Conflict is the byproduct of irresponsibility. And I don’t have to tell you that you’ll never reach your full potential if you don’t take full responsibility for your actions.
In every life situation involving people – family, friends or co-workers – there is potential for conflict. So learning to successfully handle conflict should be a priority, especially for those who desire to lead teams and organizations.
And the only way to resolve conflict is to accept responsibility.
Think about it – what significant problem are you facing today?
Then consider what you are responsible for. Have you clearly accepted blame or responsibility?
I’m not talking about enabling the bad behavior of others. I’m talking about taking responsibility for YOUR shortcomings which led to conflict.
Irresponsibility results in blame. Pointing a finger at the other party rather than at yourself. Criticizing others to deflect attention from gaps in your behavior. Judging the actions of another to avoid focusing on your own. Passing the buck. Going into seclusion.
Instead, take responsibility. When you take responsibility, everyone wins. I’ve written previously about making the most of differences – you can read it here.
Here are 3 tips that have helped me take responsibility for handling conflicts…
1. Address the real issue
Ask, What is the real source of the conflict? Then, examine yourself first. Sometimes the issue lies with you and you are only blaming others for your problem.
Instead of ranting, listen. Consider the other individual’s perspective in the conflict. If you do, it’s easier to avoid the tendency to react to the issue with too much emotion. Focus on the issue at hand.
2. Find the right time and place
I’ve found this to be nearly as important as addressing the real issue. When emotions are high is not the ideal time to deal with conflict. Don’t make it personal – when you do, it gets ugly. And both of you are more likely to feel cornered and react emotionally.
Personal conflicts should be handled in private. Your success in resolving the conflict will often be directly related to when and where you handled it. So, find the right time and place to confront the conflict.
3. Deal with it directly
Avoid the temptation to dance around the issue – deal with it directly. Most of us are reluctant to confront because we are afraid of how the other person may respond or that we may hurt their feelings. More often than not, our reluctance simply causes additional conflict – small disagreements become big disagreements.
Small issues are always easier to deal with than big issues. So be firm but gentle. Work toward a solution. Use the conflict to make the relationship, the team, and the organization better.
Then, when the conflict is resolved, grant forgiveness readily. There’s no reason to hold a grudge or seek revenge. Healthy teams handle conflict and allow it to make them stronger.
Daniel Harkavy, CEO of Building Champions, once said: Conflict is an opportunity to grow and to learn – for both parties. It is more important to win in the relationship than to win in the conflict.
Questions: What other tips do you have for handling conflict effectively? Share them by leaving a comment.
LK says
Such a timely piece. Thank you. Struggling with 3 members of a team who are so stuck in conflict, they are no longer communicating. I had all 3 together to discuss the issues and unfortunately did not seem to get to the real root of the problems. Now I have to meet again separately with them – this time with union representation and HR present. I plan to accept responsibility for my part which was that I didn’t react soon enough and when I did, it wasn’t completely to find that root which then made the problem act like a weed and spread and grow.
Michael Nichols says
Hopefully, the time with each of them individually will help them all discover what they need to do to mend things. However, remember that no matter how hard you try, they have to be willing to make a change.
Michael Nichols says
Follow through is important David – good point. Thanks.
TCAvey says
Great job- I think you need to send this to our congress (wink).
Michael Nichols says
Nice! You may be on to something there. 😉