The good news is – you are not alone. Every person in the world is dealing with significant pain.
The problem for leaders is that we’ve been taught that pain is to be expected. And that we must persist through the pain. You know – Suck it up! No pain, no gain – right?
But some wounds will destroy you. They’ll destroy your family. They’ll destroy your career. And they’ll destroy your legacy.
Let’s face it – hurting leaders hurt people. But you have the opportunity to break this destructive cycle for everyone close to you – your team, your colleagues, your family, your friends. Your past does not have to negatively influence your interactions with them.
If you haven’t read our article, The ONE Thing That Limits EVERY Person, take a second to read it. It will add value to this one. In the article, I mention – It’s not going to be enough to simply acknowledge your wound. You must deal with it.
For weeks after I wrote the article, I received scores of emails and comments that went something like this – I get that I’ve been wounded. And that my pain affects me and others. And that I need to deal with it. But what does a strategy for dealing with my pain look like? How do I break the cycle of woundedness?
When I began dealing with my wound, I had the same question. And I knew I needed a plan or I would never overcome my unhealthy thinking and behaviors.
So here is my 5-step strategy for breaking the cycle of woundedness in my life and work. It’s based on John Eldredge’s classic, Wild at Heart. (Remember – this strategy is mine. It may not work for you exactly like it works for me. But it may yield some ideas that can motivate and encourage you in your journey.)
1. Acknowledge the wound
A wound that goes unacknowledged cannot heal. A wound that has been embraced cannot heal. And a wound you think you deserve cannot heal.
So admit it. Be specific about it. Write it down.
If you balk here, the journey to freedom ends – and the pain continues.
2. Reflect
Life is a battle. And, although this may not be your style, I need time alone – in quiet reflection – for my very survival.
I’m not talking about the kind of meditation that is a task or exercise – I’m talking about really connecting with my inner soul. Or, if it’s your style, connecting with God. Doing whatever it takes to get my heart back and to get back to a place of health.
Regardless of your religious background, real healing never happens outside of intimacy with God. And you can ask Him to take you into the wound, to heal the broken places, and to heal your heart.
3. The Warrior Partner
Don’t make the journey alone. This isn’t an exercise in how strong you are. Lets be honest – most people care less about how strong you are and more about how real you are.
And, if you’re really going to make it, you will need a fellow warrior to fight alongside you, to watch your back, and with whom you can bare your soul.
So thoughtfully and intentionally select a partner – a coach, a mentor, a friend, a close colleague. Then make the trek together.
4. More Wounds
This is important – you will be wounded again.
It’s counterintuitive, but life thwarts us with pain today to save us from future pain. In fact, your wound is most likely at your area of greatest strength.
Only then can you offer not merely experience, skill, and knowledge, but your true self.
Lewis Smedes once wrote in Forgive and Forget, “Forgiveness is setting a prisoner free and then discovering the prisoner was me.” So forgive those who wound you – don’t waste another moment dwelling on the past.
5. Adventure
To break the cycle of woundedness, you must know where you’ve come from and must face the enemy of your false identity. This cannot happen if you’re playing it safe.
When you feel like you’re losing control, you don’t need to wrest it back or manipulate circumstances or events. Nor do you need to shrink back or cower when you’re challenged.
Many leaders are afraid to let strength show up because their world doesn’t have a place for it.
So what? The world is screwed up!
John Eldredge, in Wild at Heart, suggests – “Let people feel the full weight of your providential strength and let them learn to deal with it.” Quit running from challenging situations.
I’m not giving you (or me) an excuse to be a jerk. What I am saying is, Walk head-on into the challenges and speak directly into the issue at-hand.
Remember – the wound was not your fault, but it did happen – and it does matter.
Your life matters far too much to live with the pain of your past. You are journeying toward freedom, toward healing, toward authenticity.
Question: What would you add to the strategy for dealing with woundedness? Share your ideas in the comments below.
what do you do when you have always wanted the person you want to be happy with, to be happy even when its not with you! Cause they make it seem as if they are unusual they love you! And the moment you leave despite it hurting you, they blame you for playing with their feelings. You had shown them all you can that you cared but in the end you are the evil one..
Dear Michael, I am not sure that this is acceptable, but I am a Pastor and a Missionary to Italy since 1985, and our Elder lost his wife through cancer some five years ago. He was very strong and also believed that God had healed his wife, but his wife died and left him with two children. The girl is 13 and the boy 9. After the death of his wife he fell into a depression, but thank God we prayed and took the victory in the name of Jesus. Now, over five years later, he is courting a lady which he would like to marry, especially for his children, but the choyces are fery few and the chances are slim. Then, a couple of months ago we had a problem in the church, where a member said many bad things against me, and while I refused and rejected those accusations, this Elder got very hurt by what that person told me. So, now he is in depression again and the doctor gave him a lot of medicine for the depression, that put him almost to a continuous sleep. Last week I told him to go back to the doctor and tell him to double check on all these medicine. He said that he feels much better, but we had to pray because he feels very week and like if he doesn’t have enough strength to speak. Right after we prayed the doctor called him and he has an appointment with him at 7 PM Italian time. …Any counsel? In the prayer he continued to tell the spirit of depression to live him, but I told him that he had to believe that he is free and to praise and thank God for his healing.
One very important thing is remembering we can only change by changing our thinking. Thoughts precede action. Willpower is not enough to maintain change.
So true! Have a great day!
Thanks for this great post. I was moved by the quote from John Eldridge – “Let people feel the full weight of your God-given strength and let them learn to deal with it.” A wound need not be a fatal blow. We may want to hide for a short time, but I am reminded that it is important to return “whole and healed”.
Great thoughts Ruth! Thanks for connecting!
No mention of a therapist? A lot of the work that I do is hoping people deal with their wounds. A good therapist brings objectivity and knowledge as well as compassion.
Good point Peggy!
Thank you for this. It is very helpful as I spend my life battling those successive wounds. It’s a little like whack-a-mole, isn’t it? That carnival game where you are given a mallet and you have to hit little plastic gophers who pop up randomly out of six holes. Your blog the other day on wounds inspired a blog on mother wounds and God’s healing power. If you don’t mind, here’s the blog I wrote: http://peggylou.hubpages.com/hub/WhizDom-40
I understand – this is why it is vitally important to get to the root of the wound by asking, What is the core problem or wound that has profoundly impacted my personality and behaviors? I appreciate your transparency.
My core wound was childhood lifelong abuse it affected me by picking a partner who spent a further twenty years abusing me and modelling Same sick behaviour to our kids
I’m so sorry to hear about your experience Regina. I trust you and your children are in a better situation today. My best to you!
Thank u took years it wasn’t helping no matter what I did as he was brainwashing my son’s against me noone discussed these things parent alienation there should be something in place by law to charge the parent who does something as serious as this as it destroys families completely my son was modelling the same abusive behaviour to me who always gave loving positive behaviour back to him and I was in and out of domestic refugees and noone could help me now I’m told all these years later try to move in and forgive there’s most likely loads of families that suffer in this way yet there not believed the alienation is going on cause I wasn’t and that makes your journey so much harder on your own my family are doing well today thank God
Thank you for this great post! To add to your point #2, when spending time with God, through prayer or reading the Bible or just being alone, journaling helps to deal with any negative emotions that are brewing within. It helps filter out the junk that’s residing in your heart.
Yep – one reason I blog. 😉
For sure! It’s one of the reasons I am working on starting a blog myself. There’s so much to learn. You’re blog is one that I
read often. Great job! : )
Thanks man!
Another great post! John Eldredge is just addictive. I have a copy of his book “Wild at Heart” and it is full of my highlights and annotations. One area that is critical for dealing with the wound is “FORGIVENESS”. Without unreserved forgiveness of the party that caused the wound in the first place, moving forward becomes a monumental task. Personally, I have had to forgive some past deeds as I wrote in my blog post “Leadership is a Sacred Trust” -> http://wp.me/p28gFh-4s
You’re right. Great thoughts here. I appreciate your encouragement.
Thanks for this great post. Every point is filled with sound counsel and practical wisdom.
Thank you, Philip. I appreciate your kind words.
This is very helpful. I have been mulling over how to write about betrayal in ministry. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Aaron. 4 Books come to mind that may be helpful to you:
1. Necessary Endings, by Henry Cloud
2. Surviving Toxic Leaders, by Ken O’Gangel
3. Wild at Heart, by John Eldridge
4. A Tale of 3 Kings, by Gene Edwards
Wow. Thanks. I appreciate the help.
No problem, Buddy.