I wish I had seen it coming. If only I had noticed his insecurity, his manipulative nature, and the gaps in his integrity much earlier, I would’ve been better prepared to deal with the fallout – when he misused his position, took advantage of the organization, sold the team out, and abused the trust that was placed in him.
If you have found yourself in this unfortunate situation, most likely you were blindsided by it, too. Rarely does anyone see it coming.
If you’re like me, you approach business relationships expectantly. You spend countless hours working together with the team to develop vision and cultivate passion. You sacrifice far beyond what is expected. And you consistently meet and exceed goals. Then, out of the blue, the unthinkable happens –
For days, maybe weeks (it seems like months or years), you wrestle with your thoughts and emotions. Eventually you must decide – how are you going to handle it?
Here are four things I learned, having experienced the intense pain of slander.
1. Be sure you have the facts
It’s easy to miss this one. We are hurt. We’re so taken by surprise. We get derailed and disillusioned. Then, to make matters worse, we neglect to check the facts.
Is it possible that the situation isn’t what it seems? Are you being overly sensitive? Have you given the other individual an opportunity to explain? If not, start there.
If you have, then…
2. Let it go and walk away
It’s sad, but it’s true – you are going to experience incredibly challenging situations in your work. Colleagues in whom you’ve placed implicit trust are going to let you down.
You’re going to have to shake it off and move on. Let it go.
If you don’t, the subsequent hurt and emotional roller coaster will be far more damaging than the initial let down. Moving on allows you to put the hurt in the past and get back on top of your game.
3. Don’t publicize it
Yes, there were times that I wanted to share my side of the story. I wanted to clear my name. I wanted to expose my attacker and the wrong that had been done. But rarely is it a good idea to publicly criticize the offender – it makes you look small and petty.
If necessary, seek counsel from a few very close advisers. Then, trust that God will use the pain to bring about good in your life and in your work.
4. Don’t give up
Learn from the situation. Be more discerning the next time. Heed early warning signals. But don’t let fear hold you back.
I’ve noticed that I’m now less likely to trust initially. And that’s OK – it helps me to more carefully conduct research. But it’s not healthy for me to expect others to be devious.
If I assume others have negative intent, I’ll never be able to fully engage with them, with my team, with my organization, with the marketplace.
There are many great leaders who place high value on integrity. Many great organizations are defined by a fundamental culture of trust. If you can’t find one, start one! Just don’t give up on your vision. And don’t give up on people.
If I could spare you the pain of having someone abuse your trust, I would do it. But I can’t – no one can.
But I can tell you that I’ve grown through the painful process. And every circumstance in life, even a painful one, is an opportunity to grow with purpose.
I think the article was good. it sucks when a person who is trusted mistreates you and abuse trust .it feels terrible.!
Great article for business situations. But what advice can you give for someone who has a significant other who lies to them and cheats on them? Having read about the topic. I believe for me personally: I have to break up, and go no contact. What are your thoughts?
We had a pastor in such a position. Eventually he resigned after there was no other way out of his entanglements. Your advice is pretty much what I followed up until the time of his departure. The trust had been damaged to the point there was no reasonable alternative. I wish we had known earlier of his misuse of position, but as we know, ultimately all deeds come into the light of day.
Thanks
Thanks for sharing your story Marshall!
I’ve not read Cloud’s Necessary Endings but I like the title. I’ve found it necessary to end a toxic relationship & because of the toxicity I’m expecting the other person is spreading lies about me but, hey, I’m free and moving forward.
That’s a tough situation Brenda. Thanks for sharing your perspective on how to move forward!
Brenda read: “Getting Past Your Breakup.” Highly recommend.
Fired a staff member, and I felt like you were writing my story. The most painful staff experience in 15 years of ministry, and he still tries to damage what God is doing. It’s nothing but pure hatred and vitrol. There came that point when we had to move forward and let it go but the regrets of our decision to hire in the first place last a very long time. It’s the most I have ever been tempted to anger and sin in how I could have reacted and I’m not going to act like that at some points I – and our church – was willing to fight back and had to think better of it.
That sounds like a very challenging situation. I appreciate your honesty – it sounds like you are recognizing the negative impact this was having on you and making the right choice on how to handle this going forward.
Interesting that you touch on this subject today Michael. I’ve been reading Integrity by Henry Cloud and it talks about trust.
And yes, I’ve been in this situation before. It actually came from a youth leader who abused his position of authority. That betrayal of trust hurt for years afterwards and I still can be hesitant of others.
Yes, we carry the pain of betrayal long after the event – but the good news is that it doesn’t have to immobilize us.
Have you read Necessary Endings by Henry Cloud? It’s a great one also.
I have not read that book. I’ll have to check it out.
It’s a game-changer!
I got divorced!
Thanks for sharing Deborah. It was interesting to me that when I Googled “abused my trust”, alomost every result had to do with marriage relationships. Trust is foundational to relationships – when it is missing there is going to be trouble. I read a great post last week about rebuilding trust – http://michaelhyatt.com/how-to-build-trust.html.
Enjoy your day!