The majority of leaders – nearly two-thirds – do not have ANY close friends. This is an alarming statistic. In fact, the advent of social media has so profoundly impacted the culture and meaning of friendship that the concept now has less value and significance than acquaintances of the past.
Photo Credit: Michael Maher
To be totally transparent, about a year ago I realized that I did not have any really close friends. There were individuals that I spoke to occasionally or with whom my wife and I would join for dinner – yet these relationships were often superficial for me. This wasn’t because I didn’t care for people. My friendship void had more to do with busyness and the fact that I had not purposefully developed healthy relationships. I’ve since began placing higher value on the social and emotional benefits of friendships. I need close friends – and so do you. So when I rewrote my life plan last year, I included “friends” as one of my life plan accounts. It’s now a top priority for me.
Be a friend
Identifying my close friends and connecting with them was a little awkward for me at first. I had become so consumed with work and life, that I had forgotten how to be a friend and how to benefit from friendship. I knew that in order to develop friends, I would need to be the friend that I desired to have. So I created a profile of the friend I wanted to have – the friend I needed to become:
- Care for them deeply
- Serve them selflessly
- Laugh together often
- Listen, more than I talk
- Endure deep hurt together
- Grow together
- When we spend time together, they are the most important people in the world to me
- They know that I would do anything for them at any time
Then I started being that friend – to several guys I had been friends with in the past and with a couple guys that I had not been friends with previously.
Get specific
To help me cultivate these friendships, I made several specific commitments:
- Spend at least one day annually with my non-local friends. Call them at least monthly.
- Get all of my non-local friends together for a weekend trip once a year.
- Get together with each of my local friends at least once every two months.
- Go on an outing with my group of local friends twice a year.
It works
Over the past year I’ve seen notable improvements in the relationships because of this intentionality. For example, since I made these commitments I have spent time together with all of my non-local friends. I have spoken to most of my friends about getting together for a weekend trip. And I have connected with my local friends at least bimonthly. Several of them are now reaching out to me more regularly, especially when they’re dealing with challenging situations. And I enjoy listening. I am more purposeful than ever before with my six very close friends – and I am healthier because of them. So when you’re ready for friends, be one. Question: Do you have close friends? If not, what can you do to begin developing these essential relationships? Share your thoughts in the comments.
Great observation. I appreciate reading it Very much. Thank you
an eye opener to test “how good a friend self is”
So true! Thanks for sharing.
I classify relationships in 3 categories: (1) Aquaintences. We all have hundreds of them, people with whom we do business, with whom we serve on a committee, with whom we worship; (2) Friends: You can probably count these on both hands. They are people with whom we share an emotional involvement, people we would help in time of trouble, people with whom we can be totally honest because each other respects the other’s opinions and observations; (3) Bromances (applies to men only). No one probably has more than 3 of these (I have two). They are by definition heterosexual men who share a nonsexual love relationship. It is a very emotional relationship because of the love element involved. Your premises are absolutely correct, to have a friend you must be one. Thanks for sharing this blog.
I appreciate your thoughtful comment. I like that you have been intentional with you categories. Good stuff!
Work and life is temporary and we can remain friend forever, This blog touches the core area in the heard and made me to think and follow the basics that helps also to live healthy life.
Grateful to hear that!
Got an email early this morning from a fairly new friend asking about lunch this Saturday. I am excited about the prospect of ‘catching up’ with a man I greatly admire. This is one of those areas of life where we have to be deliberate. If I may, I’d like to suggest that you pick up the phone today and call someone that you know, or would like to know better, and let them know how important they are to you. Invite them for a coffee and use that time to ask them about their life and share yours. Don’t miss out on this vital element of a joyful life!
Great advice, Mark. And I am going to call someone today! I appreciate your encouragement.
You started it! 🙂
😉
Totally agree with you on this Michael 🙂 I embarked on a similar journey a few years back & find life more enriching now with intentional & purposeful friendships with people I could grow together with. We are after all made for vertical & horizontal connections; God & people. 🙂
That’s great to hear Angie! Thanks for connecting here.
This is great information! thank you for sharing it. Social networking has devolved friendship to little more than a click on a thumbs-up symbol. I appreciate what you did to redevelop your friendship skills–I pray that others will take this to heart.
Thanks Michael!
Michael, I continue to be amazed at some similarities we share! I have come close to duplicating your thoughts AND your life plan actions regarding personal friends. Now I have picked up some new ideas. Thanks for sharing!
Cool to hear Chris. Feel free to borrow it all. I’m deeply indebted to others from whom I’ve borrowed along my journey.
I love this because it’s a simple reality that we need to get back to. We are so busy, so consumed with our own stuff that we have lost the art of making and keeping great friendships.
The keeping part is especially tough though, I think (for me, I’ll speak for myself) it almost requires scheduling. I have to make sure to plan in advance that “Today I will call _______ and check on her.” Sometimes even making a note to myself, so I don’t forget. It’s crazy how easily distracted we can get and before you know it – months have passed since you talked to someone!
Thanks for sharing this, I needed to read this. Especially to be reminded of the great friends I do have, and to call them today and thank them for that.
Wow – that’s awesome Katie.
I too have found that maintaining my close relationships requires a high level of intentionality.
I agree David – we’ve found the same to be true for us.
Hi Michael. I think this is harder for men than for women. I have had the same best friend for 18 years now. And I have several other close friends. Being a friend involved weathering seasons of life. When I met my best friend I was single, and she was newly-wed. Now she is a married mom of 6, and I am a married mom of 2. Our friendship went through many changes and took a back seat to raising young children for a few years, but is now stronger than ever.
Great topic, and good suggestions for being and making friends.
Yes, that’s possible. I’ve found that developing successful friendships is also directly related personality – task-oriented personalities find relationship development more challenging than people-oriented personalities.
To clarify, one of my friends has been a good friend for 25 years, another for 10, and another for 8. (The others are just a few years.) But along the way, other things became higher priority (work, recreation, etc.) than developing my close friendships – and they should not have.
Your set of suggestions are very challenging.
We have already set aside time on Thursday evenings that are my family and my brother’s family time together and are now evaluating how we can create something similar for our other relationships.
I’ve found that a consistent approach with intention is most effective for us.