No matter how hard you work to win the approval of others – your boss, a colleague, your father, your mother, a mentor, a man, a woman – you will be disappointed. Every time!
Because no matter how much money you make. No matter how much stuff you have. No matter how far you go in life, the approval of others will never be enough.
The reason is – your life has real purpose – and your life matters far more than what someone else thinks of you.
John Eldredge asks, in his best-selling book, Wild at Heart, Are you willing to live with the level of risk that your soul invites you to?
To live a fulfilled life, every person needs a clear, compelling mission – a life purpose. And every person needs a vision for accomplishing that purpose.
Your life has a purpose that no one else in the world will ever be able to fulfill. Here’s the challenge – no one can tell you who you are and what you were made to do. Nobody!
So why do so many buy into the lie – the lie that winning the approval of others matters? There are 3 reasons…
1. Wounds
Every person carries a deep wound – everyone.
For years, I was told that I was obnoxious, that I couldn’t sit still. Much of what I did was never good enough. I was unruly. And I was physically and sexually abused by someone close to our family.
Because of these unfortunate experiences, I lived in fear – afraid that my wife, my colleagues, my leaders, my friends would one day mistreat me. That they would make impossible demands. That they would abandon me when I needed them most.
Through my childhood and adolescence, my reactions to these deep wounds profoundly shaped my personality and behaviors.
Maybe you’ve had a similar experience.
Because I wanted to ensure that I had dealt with my hurt and that my pain was no longer harming others, it became a top priority for me. To fully process my wound, I had to spend some time away for a couple of days.
Since every person in the world (even the most introverted) has a desire to live and work in community, the painful memories of a wound are often repressed into the darkest recesses of the mind. And from there, they subtly influence your thoughts, your actions, and your relationships.
So, how have you been wounded?
2. False Identity
In many ways I mishandled my wounds. Although I was largely unsuccessful, I tried to avoid situations that could bring on abuse. I attempted to become more compliant, quieter, more passive.
So from the place of my woundedness I constructed a false identity. This is not unusual – it’s the norm. Most leaders either 1) overcompensate for their wound and become controlling or 2) they become passive. Often it’s an odd mixture of both. So, to make themselves feel better, they create a new, inauthentic identity around two themes:
- Areas of competence
- Rejecting things that cannot be controlled
To avoid the anticipated pain of not measuring up to standards that were set for me, I sought to control or manipulate situations in which I had competence. And I often rejected ideas in areas in which I lacked experience or in which I felt that I was losing control.
Because I despised the pain of falling short, I worked hard to outperform expectations. My driven behavior often intimidated and frustrated people.
When I sensed their frustration, I would transition into a more passive (inauthentic) mode. But then people noticed the lack of authenticity which only made things worse – launching a downward spiral of destructive interactions.
While your false identity will shield some pain and occasionally secure accolades and affirmation – it’s a deadly trap. A lie. The things you do to preserve, protect, or save your psyche, yourself, your plans, your heart – those are the things that harm you the most.
3. Denial
A wound that goes unacknowledged cannot heal. Again, every person in the world has been wounded deeply – you are no exception. And your refusal to acknowledge it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen and won’t make it go away.
It did happen – and it probably wasn’t your fault.
Are you ready to accept it?
If so, it’s not going to be enough to simply acknowledge the wound. You must deal with it.
A wound that has been embraced cannot heal. A wound you think you deserved cannot heal.
- How were you hurt?
- How did you respond to it?
- What did you do to compensate for it? What false identity did you construct because of your wound?
- How has this false identity affected your family and work relationships?
- What is your strategy for breaking the cycle of woundedness?
If you’re like me – you’ve noticed that your wound, your false identity, and your refusal to deal with them are controlling your ability to lead, to grow, to serve others. But the soul of a leader is not designed to be controlled and be subject to the approval of others – it’s made for adventure! So quit allowing your mind, your passion, your heart, your vision, your very soul to be controlled by other’s approval and by your past.
Deal with the wound – fully! Learn from it. Then, put it in the past.
Question: Why does the approval of others matters so much to people? And why is it difficult for us to deal with deep wounds? Share your thoughts in the comments.
great read. thank you for sharing and encouraging others with similar pain to look deep into it. i am on a similar journey, trying to find the authenticity behind the pain. thank you for this. i will keep reading.
I think we (I) ignore deep wounds to exhibit that they have no power over me. When in fact, they tainted every aspect of my personality, even the beautiful things about me, until they were brought out into the light and acknowledged – very much like a vampire (read: anything that sucks the life out of you), hauled out into the sun.
Great thought Lisa!
I love people and want to connect. The challenge is not to compromise myself to win their approval. This would mean I would betray me to please them-not acceptable. People naturally bury or mask their wounds because it’s painful. Surrendering hurts to God through prayer daily, frees a person to walk without hindrances giving them the ability to fulfill their purposes. After all, Jesus truly heals the brokenhearted.
Great insight Katherine! You mentioned a very good point about not compromising ourselves. Thanks for sharing and have a great day!
This was a great article and very true. I’ve had to realize this in my own life that everyone has deep wounds. I’m mindful of how I handle people now. When someone does something to hurt me or hurt others, I remind myself immediately that the person is exemplifying this behavior from a wounded place in their heart that hasn’t been healed. I believe most people that hurt others are hurting themselves. Having this revelation should help us to be more loving and forgiving towards others. Thank you!
So true Lestine! People who are hurting do hurt others because what they have to offer is pain. I’ve met very few who have been able to set their feelings aside and not act on them. Thanks for connecting! Enjoy your week!
Wow. These three reasons sum up my current situation. At 32 and having accomplished some great feats I thought I had so much figured out but when I was faced with a tough emotional challenge I realized through argument, pain, and then therapy that there were some major issues being resurfaced in my life… some major unresolved wounds.
Growing up I always felt I had to make choices based on what made my family happy– immediate and extended family. Throw being a closeted gay man into the mix and acting like a chameleon for so much of my life no wonder I created such a strong false identity– shield the pain, become passive, lie, manipulate situations, and all in the name of self-destruction which is realized now. It’s time to uncover those wounds (the real issues), process them, and develop into the authentic man I am supposed to be, not the one I felt others ‘made’ me be. It’s time to live the authentic life.
Thanks for sharing part of your story Scott! Living an authentic life requires us to be honest with ourselves and deal with our wounds, not just the pain they cause. Glad to hear you have already started taking those steps. It’s not easy, but in the end we are better for it.
Its motivating and encouraged to deal with the would (can be perceived one or not perceived). Thank you very much for the truly useful post.
You are welcome! Thanks for reading!
Dear Michael, the ‘hazard’ or coincidence doesn’t exist, and I can just feel grateful to read your shared insight and topic! I had the topic for one of my friend, and of course… for me, finally! I wrote your questions of point 3, as a step in my coaching approach, just true and helpful for many people. And like many other people who added comments, I am looking forward to your next post about your suggestion of strategy to help oneself for leading, growing, serving others, living…better. Thank You.
Thanks Sophie. I posted my strategy for dealing with pain today. 4 Books come that may be helpful to you and your clients:
1. Necessary Endings, by Henry Cloud
2. Surviving Toxic Leaders, by Ken O’Gangel
3. Wild at Heart, by John Eldridge
4. A Tale of 3 Kings, by Gene Edwards
Thank You! I will read your post when available 🙂 The word for the day I have been given last week, which has its place here I guess : The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are – from Marcus Aurelius
Mike — as usual you zero in on the issues. Having learned that my penchant to please people drove me directly into burnout, I could not agree with you more! Thanks again!
Wow – I’m sorry to hear that Dean. It seems like you are doing well now – living healthy. I appreciate you.
Thanks. I’ve had to learn a bunch, that’s for sure.
Thanks, my friend. I appreciate your encouragement.
I love this. So insightful. I’d love to read more about some steps we can take to deal with and learn from the wound(s). Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Susan. I’ve written another post about my strategy for overcoming my wounds. It will post it next week. While my strategy may not work for others, it may offer ideas that are useful. I appreciate your feedback.
Thanks Susan. I’ve written another post about my strategy for overcoming my wounds. It will post it next week. While my strategy may not work for others, it may offer ideas that are useful. I appreciate your feedback.
Mike,
I am 61years old and I learned a long time ago that we are not going to please everybody. Do what you feel God is leading you to do, to the best of your ability, and try to live as peaceably as you can with all men, then shake the dust off your feet and move on. I have no desire to get everybody to like me, and I really do not care if they don’t. Most people do not like to talk to me because I do not caudal or pamper them because of their sensitivities.I would rather tell them the truth and not compromise it just because it may offend others and they may not want to accept the truth.
I understand, Robert. Speaking the truth in love is so important. Thanks for connecting here.
I understand, Robert. Speaking the truth in love is so important. Thanks for connecting here.
Thank you for this strong and insightful article. Timing was perfect for me as I am working toward moving in a bold new direction and need to make sure I’ve dealt completely with my wounds and demons. Excellent!
Similar circumstances led me to deal with mine. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Loved the post. I have wasted time working trying to get the approval of others. I now have a few people in my life that I seek insight and instruction from. I don’t spend a lot time any more trying to get the right people to approve me. When you wait for people to approve you, you put your vision in their hands. I now realize that when I seek God and He approves me that is all I need. I sought approval from others because I wanted to fit in and it made me feel inclusive.
Thanks, Bernard. I appreciate your transparency. Love the thought – When you wait for people to approve you, you put your vision in their hands.
Michael, you hit the ball out of the park with this one! Blessings – Keith
Thank you Keith. I appreciate your encouragement.
Michael, great article! As a Christian leader for almost forty years my experience is that every human being seeks approval. It is built into our DNA. Some deal with it better than others. I have always been the the peacemaker and wanted everyone to get along. I know in my mind this is unrealistic. Today I only seek approval from a few key people. My parents, mentors, and my wife and daughter. If others outside that circle embrace me it is a bonus but not a necessity! Sometimes those closest too you cannot give you the approval you seek. That is why it is crucial to seek God’s approval first and foremost!
Good thoughts, Mike. I think you’re right. I found, also, that there are times when even my wife, my parents, my mentors don’t approve of a decision – even when it’s the best (or right) decision.
Michael, profound post this is. Getting over one’s wounds is a harsh
territory to navigate. It is like climbing Mt. Everest over and over
again. This was a painful process that I had to undertake. The residual
effects of the wounds are still evident. Please allow me to share a post
I wrote a while back on my blog:
http://leadbychoice.wordpress.com/2013/01/14/naked-unashamed-lead-forward/
I agree – the same has been true for me. Growing through the pain is a process. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Michael,
Your post resonated with me in these two points.
1. The painful memories of a wound are often repressed into the darkest recesses of the mind. And from there, they subtly influence your thoughts, your actions, and your relationships.
2. And I often rejected ideas in areas in which I lacked experience or in which I felt that I was losing control.
You recognize the problem, you suggest dealing with the would, and putting it in the past. Would you please suggest a way to deal with the wound. I can answer numbers 1-4. I am get stuck on #5. What is your strategy for breaking the cycle of woundedness.
I look forward to reading a post on the solution.
Sincerely,
Pamela
Pamela – Good question. I am going to write another post that outlines my strategy (or process) for overcoming my wound. I am encouraged by the way you are thinking. It’s very difficult to summon the courage to confront our pain. I’m glad you are thinking proactively. Enjoy your week.