A young lady who was close to my wife, Sarah, was murdered in a domestic dispute a couple of weeks ago.
I don’t recall ever seeing Sarah so emotionally shaken by a life event. For several days, she quietly processed the events that led to the tragedy.
During that time our 8-year-old daughter, Madison, noticed something was different and began to ask what was going on. So I took her to breakfast one morning and spent some time talking to her about what her mom was experiencing.
After gently explaining the situation, I asked Madison if she understood. She quickly replied, “But mom’s a counselor. Why doesn’t she just tell herself what she tells her clients?”
I’m not sure her pointed response was the most compassionate or gracious for this particular set of circumstances. But Madison was saying (in her own way), Life happens. Expect the unexpected when you least expect it.
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For the past couple of weeks, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about 3 principles for dealing with life’s unexpected moments. Jeff Goins addresses each of them in his newly released book, The In-Between: Embracing the Tension Between Now and the Next Big Thing.
Here are 3 things I’m learning from Jeff’s book and by spending a couple days with him last weekend:
1. Slow down. If you are waiting for the most perfect experiences of a lifetime you will miss the life in your everyday experiences . It’s not possible to live in the past or in the future – all you have is now. You might as well take your time. And live in today’s moments.
2. Let go. There are times that even minor inconveniences become infuriating – sitting at a red light, a slow drive-thru line, customer service placing you on hold. But all of these are signs – reminders – that we are not in control.
3. Be grateful. You have a choice each time you face frustrating circumstances – you can try to shortcut the delays and detours, or you can embrace the growth that happens in the discomfort. There’s really no good reason to be in such a hurry anyway. Because you can’t get from where you are to where you need to be without traveling the path that you are on.
[Tweet “Get from where you are to where you need to be by traveling the path that you are on.”]
Things could not get any better…
In 2002, Sarah and I spent a week in Kathmandu, Nepal visiting my sister and her family. The experience is one I’ll never forget – beautiful natural sights and sounds of the ancient city, religious shrines, the surrounding valley, and the mountain rises off in the distance.
One morning we received news that a military helicopter had crashed on the runway of the Kathmandu Airport – the only commercial runway in the entire country. The runway was badly damaged – no flight would go in or out until the repairs were made. To complicate matters, we were scheduled to begin a conference in the Philippines a day after leaving Nepal.
So my brother-in-law and I visited the airline office to find out when flights would resume service. We were told to come back the next day. The next day we were told the same. And the next. No new information. No status report. Just, Come back tomorrow.
I remember becoming more and more impatient each day – with the slow repair of the damaged runway, with the apathy of the airline agents, with my brother-in-law because he wouldn’t pressure them for more answers. Finally, he said to me – You’re not in the US. It doesn’t work that way here. When the unexpected happens, you just go with it.
What if, instead of complaining about these incredibly uncomfortable moments, we surrendered to the wait? What if we learned to live in these frustrating times with more intentionality, instead of resenting them?
If we’re honest, these moments of waiting often present life’s greatest opportunities to grow.
Question: Tell us about your experience with an unexpected life event. What did you learn? Share your experience in the comments.
It was definitely unexpected when my 6 year old daughter (then 4) was diagnosed with a high grade malignant brain tumor – even more so as we learned the cancer was literally one of a kind in the whole world. Then, she went through radiation and high dose chemo. She was cancer free. It would be incredibly difficult and certainly unexpected when we found out that her cancer had returned a few months later. We’re note standing with her as she fights – again, this time as the cancer has metastasized to multiple locations down her spine.
Life, as we knew it, would never be the same. With that said, I could have crumbled inside as my heart shattered hearing this news. However, this marathon of a journey has shown us and helped us learn so much. We’ve learned to appreciate life…the small things truly become the big things. You learn quickly what things in life are important and which things just don’t matter quite as much. We would come to know community and love like never before.
While I’m not grateful for cancer being a part of my daughter’s journey, I’m sincerely grateful for the positives we’ve seen along the way. We’ve learned to not live in worry about what tomorrow might bring. It robs all the joy from today. Instead, w live life today, trying to not take as much for granted.
Wow! I love your spirit and your response to the unexpected in life. Your story is a great one.
Thanks Michael. It’s not easy, but it is vital to not forget to reevaluate any given situation – especially one so weighted. You just have to find the positives – that feed the hope and keep it going.
Thanks, Michael, for all you do.
Thanks for sharing.
Although I have much to learn, I always wonder why it is so many focus on the mundane, trivial, vanity, etc. None of this can we take with us.
Several years ago, while living overseas in Ukraine. My husband became very ill. We were living out in the village and life was difficult. We had to get acclimated to gathering our water from the village well, burning our trash because no one would gather it for us. We had large amounts of iron in our water and the house reeked of this odor. We experienced a flood while our family was visiting from the states and no one from our church came to help us–this was a low period in our lives. After we decided to finish remodeling our post-Russian style home, we hired some Ukrainian workers to help us. Little did we realize that they were crooks and had little experience. The work they accomplished was sub-standard. We were ordered to court when we refused to pay more– and the judge had already been promised a monetary amount for our losses. We hired a Christian lawyer who won our case hands down..but we were ordered to sell our home. During this time, life was difficult to say the least. But the Lord allowed us to witness to these men during their work..I believe a seed was planted. We’ll never know until we get to heaven..am just so thankful for being useful during a dark trial of our mission work. We never know what lies ahead of us..but we have to trust the Lord. He can make a way when there is no way. We sold our home within one month…God was faithful. We are so thankful for His protection and provision.
Thanks for sharing part of your story Gerri! Your perspective is refreshing! It’s hard to be thankful after experiences like that.
Thanks Michael…yes–it was very difficult to have made that conclusion. I realized that while we lost money, our home and our ministry out there in the village–it’s much more important to remember that we didn’t lose anyone in our family. In Ukraine, members of a family have been attacked and beaten..unbelievably by the mafia!
Glen, my husband practiced wisdom by sending me and our son home to the states. Although he was in grave danger while miles away from the city and the police..I am grateful that God intervened and brought our family back together. I guess we are supposed to believe and practice that in everything, give thanks and know that all things do work together for good to those who love God.
Thank you for your blog..it’s refreshing to know that I can share our experiences freely.
God bless!
After my death and resurrection last year I went through many emotions. The whole grieving process, it is ok to go through each stage. Just yesterday when I was frustrated about waiting on God I had to think about where I am today. I can praise God because when they took me off the respirator my voice sounded like donald duck and we didn’t know if I would get my voice back. Today my voice is back and I can sing praise God. I could not walk and had to retrain myself, could not get in and out ofshower. Took nitroglycerin like it was candy. Today I walk 45 minutes every day have not had nitro in 7 months. God is so good. We life happens unexpectantly it is alright to cry, be angry or go through your emotions, I did when my father passed. I hold to my Master’s hand. Jesus is always with you and he will never leave nor forsake us. I remember that one night in prayer I placed my father in Daddy Jesus’ hand. I know my dad was safe. From experience death was not painful I was not scaref it was just a transition from one place to another.
I’m sorry to hear of your recent struggles, but thankful that you have such a God-focused perspective on these difficult circumstances.
It’s funny how surprised we are every time something happens out of our control. Myself included. We seem to forget that crap happens and sometimes there’s nothing we can do about it.
All we can do is focus on ourselves and how we respond.
Easier said than done. But still the best response.
Thanks for the great post. Sorry to hear about your wife’s loss of a friend…
Yes – our response to the unexpected is the biggest indication of our heart and character.
It is tough. I once had to give the green-light for life support to be switched off for a close relative. Tough, harrowing, depressing does not even begin to explain the feeling! We just pray for strength and a peace that transcends all understanding.
At the moment, my wife and I are just going through challenging times. It seems like everything is in short supply and we are barely making it. A few minutes ago, I bet in desperation, she sent me a text message “There must be a silver lining somewhere”. We are driving on HOPE at the moment, and learning to wait. TOUGH…
I think that place of waiting for what’s next can be the hardest place to be…where our faith has to rest in what we can not “see.” Will be praying over your family.
Thanks, that’s really kind of you.
While reading your blog, a friend of mine came to tell me that her 24 year old daughter committed suicide…what do I say?…I prayed with her daughter once to accept Christ in her heart, I gave her a Bible to start reading. She had a little daughter (4yrs old!), my friend told me that her daughter was so excited reading the Bible…”Life Happens..”, I´m still in shock. And only Lord God knows why this happened…As your wife is feeling now, I´m feeling the same too….
I’m sorry to hear about your friend’s daughter – will pray for her and you as you all deal with this tragic loss.
Michael, my sympathies go out to you and your wife. I’m sorry to hear about Sarah’s friend.
Recently, we experienced the unexpected announcement that our youth pastor/music minister/assistant pastor was leaving to take another church. This transition was unexpected.
Through the transition, it’s taught us that changes come in life. We’ve got to be able to move with them and to keep going.
Unexpected transition is always a challenge…but always gives us the opportunity to seek out growth in the process.
So sorry about the tragic death of Sarah’s friend. My prayers are with the family of the victim, and with Sarah as she grieves.
When my daughter Ashley died of cancer at age 14, our lives and our hearts were thrown into a tailspin. For a while, the sheer agony of our grief seemed like an impassable barrier. It was the dominant quality of every moment, every day. Some days it didn’t seem possible that my heart could go on beating in my chest. The moments filled with tears easily outnumbered those without. The emptiness was palpable.
But that was not the final chapter. Though my heart will forever remain broken, and there will always be a measure of emptiness, those things don’t define who I am. They are part of the definition, but so are so many other things. I still consider myself a griever – and always will – but there is deep incredible joy as well. We have such wonderful memories of our 14 years with Ashley. Our faith assures us that we will see her again. She touched so many lives with her courage and grace through the most difficult struggle of her life. And through it all, I got to be her Daddy.
I think one of the reasons that Jeff Goins’ message resonates so deeply with me is that I find myself in this never-ending, perpetual “in-between”. In the past are the 14 years we had Ashley with us. Up ahead is a glorious reunion on “the other side of Jordan”. And here we are in a vast in-between from which we will never emerge, at least not during this lifetime.
But there is SO MUCH to enjoy during this in-between; there are so many blessings, many of which come in the form of meeting new people and developing new relationships (Nashville was awesome!). Ashley’s prolonged cancer journey taught me to slow down and enjoy every moment, especially moments with family. It reminded me daily that there are so many things that are completely beyond my control, and I just need to let go and embrace the beauty of the moment. Ashley’s death and our resulting grief journey have reminded me that there are so many things – and people – for which to be grateful. Past, present, and future.
Thanks for listening, Michael. And thanks for consistently sharing such incredible information on growing with purpose. God bless you, my friend.
Thanks so much for sharing your story and for your kind words. I’ve learned much from your experiences and enjoyed connecting with you. I’m looking forward to your book. Keep up the good work!
The recent tragedy our family has faced has put me in such an unusual place. When I had to take Kendall to the airport yesterday, I found myself driving away praying, “Ok, God. I know he is in NYC for a reason, but if he can’t be here you’d better …blah, blah, blah.” Which only lasted about 10 seconds before I realized the audacity of that prayer (“you’d better”???) and said through tears, “Oh God, I know he is leaving in the midst of this pain for a reason, so please-please-please…” Learning, again about letting go in the midst of the unexpected. Thanks for a good post.
Thank you, Tammy. I understand what you mean about “letting go in the midst of the unexpected”. It’s uncomfortable at times. Love your perspective!
I am not going to spam, but I want to say I have released a picture book allegory that addresses this exact topic succinctly. I have taught, if you have a nice ride, then good for you, but you only learn something new, when the going is difficult, or even blocked. The important thing about those times is to embrace the experience and ask “What can I learn from this? “
Great addition Susie – constantly learning is a wonderful perspective to have!
Thank you for your post.
It reminded me of last Friday, when our server was down. Checking a comment thread over the course of the day, it was easy to see the escalating frustration level of user’s whose websites and emails were down. Yet there were a few who calmly chose to accept that this was the one of those unfortunate times when no company can claim 100%. Those who chose to Slow Down, Let Go and Be Grateful were surely the least stressed!
Thanks for the great example!
When the unexpected happen in life, first and foremost one will do is to cry.
Crying a lot without anything to say just to cry and tell to GOD everything you
are facing and ask what to do. That is what I had done during the time I am
down without knowing what to do, how to fight the battle, how to argue and
scream with them, how to protect myself but to cry and scream silently. I learned how to swim in my own river of problem. I never had the chanced to create a peaceful life with my hubby but to endured and persevere everything and remain humbly simple woman. Just to maintain the marriage to last long for 23 year… The problem is my in-laws, where I suffered so much pain and remain respectful for being a daughter in law…. Glad that my parents reared me in a very well mannered and inculcate all the golden virtues in life.
I can not share the full details because of my tears. I will remain sweet and responsible mother,sister, friend and wife as long as I can for my hubby… I can still endure to be with him because of my kids. I will remain a friend to him. And God will lead the way for me.
Zita – I appreciate your transparency and courage sharing your story. You have a sweet spirit that, I’m sure, is an encouragement to many.
Your daughter rightly pointed out the issue and she proved her talent at this age. It is always hard for all to cope with the situation that is not expected in general. However, we have to live with it and the tips provided here are very useful. As I am also from Nepal, I had similar experience when I was working in Jumla (one of the remote district in Nepal) during 1988. Yes, SLOW DOWN, LET GO and BE GRATEFUL can be the life skills for such a situation. TYSM Michael Nichols.
Thanks Deepak. I didn’t realize you were from Nepal. We loved Nepal – and hope to return soon.
Thanks Deepak! I appreciate your thoughts.
Great points of reference to illustrate an important fact of how we can respond to all this world delivers before us. In fact, this just got real for me when 5 inches of rain in 1 hour was too much for the old window wells in my family’s Colorado home. To say the least, this was the last thing I wanted to have to deal with during a week that is real busy at work and getting ready to head back to LU for the fall semester. All the restoration process that must take place in order to maintain a good living area is beyond my capabilities, yet the most important thing in this journey is not what I did or do to fix the problem. Rather it has everything to do with what I am. The “to be” verb that is the one thing that I am most reasonable for, and that is my character.
Wow. I hope you are able to get everything back together soon. Enjoy the fall semester!
I’m sorry to hear of your current struggles, Dan. I appreciate your perspective on focusing on your character and your actions in response to this.
I just finished Jeff’s book last night. It was fabulous, and just what I needed right now. I am always struggling to be content in the place in life right where I am, the place I live, the work I am doing. I’m always thinking about the next, big thing. Jeff’s book, and your story, was just right for the just now. Thanks!
Thanks for letting me know Linda. I appreciate your encouragement. Keep up the good work!
I loved Jeff’s book as well – thanks for sharing your thoughts. Contentment in whatever situation we are in can be a challenge.
It always amazes me how God sends messages such as this as words of encouragement at just the right moment. Thanks, Michael, for this. I am in a time of transition and needed to hear it.
Thanks for sharing this, Shirley. I prayed for you this morning.
I’m grateful this helped you Shirley!
Another inspiring and thought-provoking post. I remember how impatient we all were when we lost power during Hurricane Sandy in October. We had no power for over 14 days and to make matters worse I don’t even have a gas stove. We never realized how much we really depend on electricity to run our everyday lives. More yet we came to realize how dependent we were on the Internet for practically everything. Situations like these, however, allow you to appreciate the small things in life; the things that we often take for granted. We started to find other means of making the best of it despite the frustration. I don’t think anyone can really be fully ready to be in control when tragedy happens. After all, we are human and we’re vulnerable. But we must understand that life comes with good and bad and we have to accept it that way. To live life well, we have to have the strength to persevere through every aspect of it.
I agree, Tagrid. Thanks for sharing your experience – I love hearing your story.
Thanks for sharing your story Tagrid! I love how you were able to learn and grow from that experience!