Leaders who genuinely care for people, consistently live out vision, and selflessly help others reach their full potential know when the relationship trumps everything else.
Relationship development is not something that can simply be checked off of the to-do list. It can’t be outsourced. And it’s certainly not an exercise in convenience.
[Tweet “Effective leaders value key relationships and make them top priority.”]
In August 2012, I transitioned to a new role in Dallas. So our family moved (drove) halfway across the country. When we made the decision to move, we knew (I knew) that it would be difficult, if not impossible, to travel back to DC a few weeks later for my youngest sister’s wedding.
Now – about 15% of the people who just read that last paragraph are thinking – That makes sense. (I’m one of those people.)
Everyone else in the world is thinking – What an idiot! Unless you are on your deathbed, you’d better be at that wedding!
My decision came down to dollars-and cents, best use of time, and the well-being of our newborn.
But I wanted another perspective. So I asked my wife, Sarah – If she was your sister, what would you do?
Her response was gracious and supportive, yet definitive – “I would be there – no matter what.” Then she added, “Because the relationship is more important to me than money or time.”
Do it
Important relationships will not grow when you’re in a hurry – or when you’re focused on return-on-investment. In fact, key relationships will become strained and will fall apart if you approach them with anything less than intentionality.
There are no shortcuts in relationships. You’ll need to leave the phone in the car. Forget about email, Facebook, and Twitter. It’ll all be there when you get back.
So guess what we did. We flew back to DC for the wedding.
The WRONG people
Don’t misunderstand – I’m not saying that ALL people (or all relationships) trump everything else. The truth is – all relationships are not important. If all relationships are important, no relationship will be important.
Some people are negative. Some people are lazy. Some people are content with mediocrity. And if you are going to live with passion and purpose, you’ll need to spend as little time as possible with those people.
Several years ago, I decided that I am not going to spend time with negative people. So while some relationships should be high priority for you, many should not.
For more on this, check out Dan Black’s post – When Relationships Hurt Your Leadership.
Worth it
Prioritizing relationships will cost you. They’ll require time when it’s inconvenient. They’ll require more money when there’s not much. They’ll keep you up at night when you’re exhausted.
Flying back to DC for the weekend was expensive. And, it was worth it! Because the few relationships that we value most – family, friends, and colleagues – are those which bring the greatest fulfillment in life.
So create more perfect moments with those who are most important – when time stands still and, at that moment, they realize that they are the most important person in the world.
Question: How do you know when the relationship is important to you? Leave your response in the comments.
It’s worth investing time when the other person is also committed to the relationship. I have to always understand what is important to me. I had a wise person tell me recently, I can do ANYTHING I want, I just can’t do EVERYTHING I want. Choose those you invest with wisely.
Great thought John – “I can do ANYTHING I want, I just can’t do EVERYTHING I want.”
The bigger part of your story i agree with. Avoiding negative people seems to me not the perfect solution. These people sometimes think more realistic. I don’t look for them to meet, but i don’t avoid them. Sometimes a negative view brings you as a positive person down to earth.
I agree, Jeremy.
Maybe this distinction will clarify the terms. Negative people are, well – negative, all the time. They rarely contribute positively to the team or to the cause. To effectively lead teams and organizations, negative people should be avoided.
However, not all critics, are negative people. Some critics, as you point out, can be very helpful. I’ve written about what I often learn from critics – http://www.michaelnichols.org/6-things-i-learned-from-critics/.
And yet another one http://pace2finish.blogspot.com/2013/08/im-not-picky-i-just-have-standards.html
Michael – Just blogged about something similar the other day. When to say NO. I think we live in a crazy world full of distractions. When we can focus on what matters — and the people that matter, we are truly whole. Perhaps I’m crazy but I have TO-DONT lists. http://pace2finish.blogspot.com/2013/08/the-power-of-no.html
Love both of these posts! Thanks for sharing your thoughts Katie!
If it doesn’t cost you, it ain’t worth nothing. Relationships come from the heart, it is the stuff that matters. I have found that if I care enough about someone, I have to intentionally invest in them. The most important are time, love, and presence. There will be an opportunity cost to these. It may cost you some money or cause you to forgo some other pursuits. But you can’t put a dollar value to the memories that you create. These memories will be what you (those in the relationship) will keep you going; whether in times of joy/happiness, or periods of hardship/pain.
So true – Thank you for your thoughtful response.
I think there’s a resonance in your heart about those relationships. When you see yourself wanting to find how rather than seeing why you can’t, then you see it beginning. It’s those relationships that are more than quantifiable, that do not automatically fit a category.
Thanks, Doug. I think you’re right.
The things I’ve regretted in the past are almost all related to relationships – not attending something or overlooking something important to someone else. Great reminder that people are more important than anything else short of our relationship with God.
Same here, Tom.
Great post! I can tell a relationship is important based upon reciprocity, loyalty, and intentionality. I will travel across the country to hang out with my closest friends and family. In fact, I’m headed to Iowa soon (I live in Virginia) to spend some time with one of my good friends in my accountability/mastermind group.
Good stuff, Chris. Love YOUR intentionality with this.
That’s a tough one Michael. I know I fall into that 15%, right along with you.
I’m glad though that you took the time, money, and effort to make the trip. You just showed how much your little sis really matters to you.
Thanks my friend.
Hey Mike! Like your post. We just made this same decision last week. Troy’s aunt passed (whom he was close to) and we were struggling with the decision for just him to go, or all of us. What we determined was, just like his aunt passed a little unexpectedly, we knew It was important for the kids to know their Great Grandma and other family. This may have been one of the only times we had to make sure they knew their family. Yes, it cost to go. Yes, it meant the kids missed their last week of school. Yes, it meant Noah missed a baseball tournament. Was it worth it and would I make the same decision all over again? Absolutely. You can’t trade the memories made and relationships built in that week, for all the money, all the end of the year parties, all the baseball championships in the world. 🙂
Thanks Mel. Looks like you guys had a great trip. Glad you were able to go. I know it will mean a lot to the kids as they grow older.
I place a high value on relationships. First with my family and then those around me. The right relationships allow us to live a significant life and also move us toward our potential. Thank you for the mention:)
My pleasure – keep up the good work!
Michael, you made the right choice! When it comes to relationships our family should be our priority, and we should always listen to our wives because they seem to have been given an extra dose of wisdom. Thanks for another great post!
Thanks my friend – you’re right. I appreciate your encouragement.
Hi Michael. I realized how important one of my relationships was a few weeks ago, and as a result I am also taking a trip to see her at the end of this week. I have a BFF that I met when I was 28-years-old. In the last 34 years of our friendship, we have only lived in the same city twice, and only for 2-3 years at a stretch, but that has not stopped us from a lifelong friendship we both cherish. She has visited me in places I have lived several times, but I have never (for various and sundry reasons) visited her in hers. So I am putting a stop to that. This Friday I am flying from Montana to Colorado to spend the weekend (we met in Los Angeles, all those years ago). I will meet her four grandchildren for the first time and see her daughters again (haven’t seen them since 1984!). I just needed to tell her, she’s one of the most important people in my life.
Great to hear, Linda. Thanks for sharing your experience. Enjoy your trip!