We’ve all been there – with the tough, unyielding manager who wants everything done their way.
Though these demanding supervisors – who demonstrate little empathy or respect for team members – still exist, a new leader is emerging — one who loves, serves, and demonstrates kindness.
Yes – confidence and toughness is occasionally necessary when other options have failed. But it should be used with caution and with forethought.
In fact, Mary Jo Asmus believes that… [Tweet “Leaders are better when they balance a small amount of toughness with a whole lot of love.”]
I need some love here!
This week we’re in Florida spending time with Sarah’s family. Because we were going to be out of town for Thanksgiving, we began decorating for Christmas last week. (I know, I know – we shouldn’t decorate for Christmas before Thanksgiving!)
The morning after our decorating party, I sat on the edge of Madison’s (our 8-year-old) bed while she finished getting ready for school.
A small Christmas tree stood in one corner of her room, neatly decorated with pink and teal Christmas ball ornaments and a strand of teal beads. Several other ornaments were strategically placed on the tree – each reminding the sweet young lady who placed them there of their significance.
Madison emerged from her bathroom tugging at her shirt tail – “Does this match?”
“Yes, baby. You look great. And I’m so proud of you – you wake up to your alarm. You select your clothes and dress yourself. You keep your room clean.”
“Yeah – I always keep my room clean”, she interrupted.
“And I couldn’t be more proud of you!”, I said as I stood up.
Walking out of the room I added, “You even decorate your own Christmas tree. I think you’re ready to move out and live on your own.”
“No, Dad! I need some love here!”, she called after me.
Love them.
I know – love and kindness in the workplace feels like an odd concept. Maybe because we’ve all experienced the devastation caused by an uncaring leader.
Every person in your life – family member, friend, colleague – entered your world to be loved. Some for moments, some for years. And when you determine to love and serve the people who work with you, it’s far easier to show grace when they screw up or when your personalities clash.
Madison has learned that she is loved in our home. And, at some point in the future, I hope she has the opportunity to work with a leader who genuinely cares about her.
Let them love you.
Unfortunately, many managers lead from a distance. As a result, they don’t know the people they lead, and their people don’t know their leader.
Real leaders spend time with their team members – understanding their personal lives, their needs, their hurts. Real leaders are vulnerable. They are less concerned about their title, their ego, their tenure, and more concerned with serving and loving their team.
Let’s face it – people don’t care about your position. They care about you – if you let them.
Yes, your people need a leader who cares about them. And they need a leader they can love and serve – and so does your organization.
In his book, Love Leadership, John Bryant found that vulnerability shows that you are human, and allows others to relate to you and love you. And all great leaders are deeply human and deeply loved.
[Tweet “Love is at the core of leadership. If you don’t demonstrate love, you don’t really lead.”]
Question: What do you appreciate most about leaders who care for you? Share your thoughts in the comments.
I have always been challenged with the concept of being too close to the employees to discipline them when necessary. Similarly to being a parent to not a friend of your children. Your thoughts?
It all comes down to healthy boundaries. No one can truly love without healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries require respect and wanting whats best for another person. Sometimes its hard, but in the end is best.
Taking some time to actually make eye contact, slow down the busyness of the day, and ask how I’m doing.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Tom! I agree! There must be personal investment, not just professional.
LOVE this! It sounds like Love-based leadership! http://www.lovebasedleadership.com
Thanks Maria!
What I appreciate is the fact that they actually care. There’s been a lot of issues in my life lately and my leader at work has been very understanding. From my dad’s health issues to my mother-in-law’s health issues to the death of my dog. To know I have a leader who cares what’s going on makes such a difference.
So true – many times it’s that caring leader that gives us the much needed support to get through the tough issues life brings us. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and part of your story!
I think trust is a big issue! Where there’s trust a leader has huge influence but where there isn’t it almost doesn’t matter what techniques a leaders uses to get things done.
So true – Thanks Caleb!
The leader I’m thinking about always greeted me with a smile and my name, then he proceeded to genuinely ask me how I was doing. He wasn’t just looking for a “I’m fine” type of answer, he really wanted to know. I felt that he cared and it made me very loyal and ready to get to work!
This makes such a big difference. Our lead pastor does the same thing. He is clearly communicating that he cares deeply for people.
You’re right, David. Trust and freedom often result when the leader demonstrates genuine care.
So glad you are back! I love this post. I tend to err on the side of too much love, if that is even a thing. Great reminder to me that a little toughness can be needed sometimes for more effective, momentum driven leadership.
Funny – I never saw that side of you. 😉 Kidding. Thanks for the feedback. And I’m looking forward to your launch!
I think we all want to be loved not just for what we do and how we contribute but for who we are! From both perspectives (as a follower and leader), what I appreciate is knowing that someone will understand when I make a mistake or need to take a break. We may tend to think that caring will erode accountability. But I have found that better (two-way) understanding can help us support each other and problem solve much more effectively.
Good point, Julie. I agree – communication is a key discipline for demonstrating love and kindness.
GREAT article…filled with so many things to ponder, and to put into practice!
Thanks, Lori. I appreciate your kind words. Let me know how I can better serve you.
I would have to say the thing I appreciate most about leaders who truly love and care is their ability to listen – not just wait to speak. I think listening often is one the best ways a leader can express love and care.
I agree, Dennis. Something I am regularly reminded of. Thanks for the feedback! Hope you are doing well!
I sit at the opposite end of the spectrum. My leader (for about 2.5 more weeks) is my Dad. He brought me into the organization about 7 years ago, probably out of pity, but I think I have proven that I can hold my own.
What I do see is that he does care for the other employees as well. He is of a generation where mothers raised children, fathers were the hunter-gatherers who went out and earned a paycheck, supported their family. He’s not a particularly warm and fuzzy guy as warm and fuzzy goes. I did learn, though, along the way, how he shows that he cares – took a little detective work. He’s much better at it now, and he truly is a sincere fellow with a great amount of emotion bottled up inside.
About 18 months ago, we faced a situation where we could have easily gone out of business. We are a non-profit organization and our main source of income (state organization) shifted our focus out of our area of specialty. On top of that, our funding payments, while renewed for another year, were significantly delayed, forcing us to lay off a few part-time consultants.
This situation caused irreparable damage (due to stress) to his mental capabilities. His health suffered – because he was worried about his employees. Not about himself – he will be okay. He was extremely stressed about not just me, but everyone here.
Over the 7 years that I have been here, he has hired 3 young men with the main goal of giving them a launch point for their careers. They are told to get as much knowledge as they can from our organization, learn what they can and move on to something better. We had one young man take a new position about 3.5 years ago. A second is returning to college to get his MBA in January and the third is in school pursuing a college degree in an IT field. All because someone cared enough to tell them to work on bettering themselves!
He is retiring at age 75 in mid-December. We don’t yet know who our new leader will be, but if we’re lucky, it will be someone who cares at least half as much as our current leader – a true tough act to follow!
Thanks so much for sharing your story, Kirbie! Wow – your dad has a great perspective and has been a great leader and mentor. Love hearing stories like this.
He will be missed. I’m glad I still get to see him though 🙂 I’m sure there is much more to learn.
There always is. 😉
Yes, its all true though love together with mentoring and coaching helps achieve more.
I agree, Deepak. And I always appreciate your encouragement. Thanks, my friend.