Michael Nichols | Leadership Made Simple

Leadership Made Simple

5 Signs You Have a Frenemy

Signs You Have a Frenemy Michael Nichols Simple Leadership

I had never realized it before – everyone has one or two.

A frenemy is someone who pretends to be a close friend but is actually a rival. Your frenemy is usually friend of friend or coworker that you get along with and enjoy. But they will cut you down at any opportunity with mostly backhanded compliments or and passive-aggressive jabs. At times they seem to root for you to do good – just not better than them.

The behaviors of your frenemy are often rooted in jealousy to any or all aspects of your life. While frenemies can be supportive and complimentary, deep down they possess an ulterior motive – to compete with or humiliate you.

My First

Early in my career I encountered a frenemy. I interviewed for a position at a large university and was later hired.

My boss who I had spent a significant amount of time with during the hiring and onboarding process, initially appeared to be an ideal leader. He seemed to connect well with people in relationship. It seemed he was deeply committed to the organization, and he had broad knowledge and competency. We made great progress. For months, it seemed like the perfect-fit relationship.

Once my team began to make dramatic improvements and we began seeing significant progress, I noticed a change in my boss. Our interactions became less frequent – and more superficial.

Although he occasionally asked about my life and family, he always seemed to have unexpressed motives. Then I began hearing from others about how he was beginning to criticize me, my decisions, and my team members. The relationship devolved quickly into a toxic experience. I eventually ended the relationship.

Frenemies are draining and will cause you to lose the desire to associate with them. Left unchallenged, they will ramp up the drama and passive-aggressive behavior.

It’s truly difficult to know definitively is someone is taking advantage of your relationship. So, today we’ve made it easy for you to identify a frenemy using a short list of warning signs.

In a few moments, I’ll also show you how to download our free guide, 5 Signs You Have a Frenemy which includes how to identify & how to handle your frenemy. But first…

What is a Frenemy?

Frenemy Sarcasm

The first language of a frenemy is sarcasm. They love making cutting remarks, usually in the presence of others.

Sarcasm is unsettling. If you challenge their sarcasm, the frenemy may say, “I was just kidding!” But it doesn’t feel like kidding.

Sure, a true friend may occasionally tease you, but they respect your feelings. A frenemy often wields sarcasm to bring harm.

Frenemy Flattery

Frenemies often employ excessive and insincere praise early in a relationship. Over time they begin to replace it with criticism and insult. Never mistake the flattery of a frenemy for the encouragement and support of a confidant.

A real friend offers genuine encouragement and support. Frenemies only offer insincere flattery.

Frenemy Criticism

Your friends have genuine concern about your personal challenges and will address them privately. A frenemy is always on the lookout for the pain in your life. And they will point it out publicly every time.

Early in the relationship with my boss, I remember feeling valued when he would ask about my family. But I soon realized he was often simply searching for more opportunities to critique.

Some people are just negative. While the caring criticism of a trusted friend should be heard, the cutting remarks of a frenemy should not.

Frenemy Sabotage

A frenemy does not want you to enjoy success. In fact, they will occasionally plot your failure. Frenemies ultimately resort to passive-aggressive behavior or sabotage.

A frenemy will bring up a private matter in a public setting. Then they will leverage it against you rather than handling it with you discreetly.

Friends genuinely care for you while frenemies work against you and care only about themselves.

Frenemy Intuition

The behavior of a frenemy will usually set off an early warning alarm. Trust your intuition. You should heed the unrelenting feeling that someone has an ulterior motive in seeking your friendship.

I have learned that frenemies do not generally harbor ill will driven by envy or animosity. However, you should readily acknowledge destructive relationships and handle them quickly.

I’m so committed to helping you succeed in your work that we developed a simple guide to tell you everything you need to know about your frenemy (even if you think you already know). The quick guide, 5 Signs You Have a Frenemy, will help you reconnect with the freedom and clarity that comes from healthy relationships.

So click here to download the NEW guide, 5 Signs You Have a Frenemy which includes how to identify & how to handle your frenemy.

Once you download it and try it out, shoot me an email and let me know what you think.

Reader Interactions

Comments

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  9. I have a frenemy but i didn’t noticed earlier, she was always asking about my relationship and always acting to be advising me, not until she started dating my guy.. felt really pained because i trusted her, I did not know she was always jealousy of me from my story…I just got this principle if not i would have detected, because she possesses 89% of the attribute up there.! I believe in KARMA

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    • Look.
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      There is a good reason you need to move on and forget him. Although perhaps make sure he pays child support or whatever.
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      • I learned through pain. One, who may even be a psychopath, can buy you things and pay for lunches and dinners and car rides, pretend to be a great friend- then bam, could they be seeking revenge for someone else? Like, we just slept together and you stick your head out the window and say, the bad girl from Florida is coming and she’ll be staying with me for the weekend. Or lets go to the all you can eat buffet every Saturday night and then after this eating contest we’ll figure out what jean size you have become at Old Navy Clothes Store. Or chuckling after your hysterectomy and saying things like, don’t you wish you still looked like that? Go fix yourself. Or neglecting to tell you a very good friend is sick in the hospital while they knew and didn’t tell you and you should have visited and then they just die. And that friend neglects to even tell you. And they are you only friend living left. And refuse to pay tribute to your dead father, and he is the only father you have left. And then stares you in the eye boldly without any remorse, waiting to start all over again. So, I am talking about friends like this.

        Reply

        • Stacy, My husband came back from the Navy’s submarine service in 1985 and his return was the start of a war in his family, the community and the position he returned to from his military leave. The biggest problem was he would not sit down and try and negotiate solutions to problems him and other military returnees created when they came back and the UAW contract gave them their full seniority as if they had never left.

          When he and others returned they were greeted by people like my husbands own father who felt why didn’t these men and women just stay in the military until they had 30 years there and retire, besides his Navy time where he dealt with the care and maintenance and targeting of Trident Missiles From what was called a boomer, These men were some of the highest technically trained men in the military, and on top of that my husband had served in the Army from 1972 his Junior summer till 1976 and the state guard from 1976 to 1979 when he went active in the Navy, In the Army he was trained as A communications and Intelligence Specialist, He also wore jump wings after going through the School at Ft Benning I discovered he was also Air Assault with helicopter wings, And when the real trouble started with him in 2000, he opened his foot locker and I got into it and discovered that he was a 3rd dan black belt from his days in the army.

          The next year after a bad incident with his father and coworkers over what was supposed to be a 60 day recovery from a brain surgery in July of 2001, It was a situation where that long a sick leave would have cause so many changes in Vacation plans His father and four other of his coworkers forced their way into our house six days after that surgery. Told him if he could stand he could work, By the time those six men came out of his room there was not a man that was not bleeding and bruised The ten stitch’s over my husbands Right eye over the plug the put back after drilling a hole to the center of his head to remove a tumor causing hydrocephalus six of the ten were busted and the plug slipped deeper into his skull by 3 16th of an inch, His foreman at the time felt caught between a rock and hard place She could go by the law and send him back home until the sick leave was over or she could avoid a walkout wildcat strike by putting my husband back on his job and letting the vacations stand, My husband determined that day that nobody laying their hands on him ever again was going to walk away without being nearly dead. IN October that Year I spent a month trying to convince him to remove his bid on a new shift, plant, and job in a tool and repair parts crib His father and his friends wanted to see that new department go to four better connected young men, Those young men had a side business my husband absolutely despised, they wanted the position as a central receiving and disrtribution point for cocaine. When the day before the bids were done my husband was told him and four of his ex military friends were taking the position with most of them having a 25 year seniority to the average of 11 years the younger men had and there was nothing the local could do to give the younger men the job, I was on my Knees the 5th of November looking at my husband who had worked out four hours a day since the 6th of August and I saw how fast and dangerous he was, I had seen him take two long three foot blades out of his foot looker and he worked with them as part of his workout regiem, He wore a duster with a inner scaberd to hold a blade, In the back yard after getting home from the Union Gym he Did katas with a blade flashing in the sun and it was the scariest sight, He also did Katas looking like those people in china doing that slow style. Then On the 5th of November I made my final plea to get him to Remove his name from the bid and talk to his friends to remove theirs, I was on my knees Offering the Denied sex life from 16 years, The family he wanted and nobody would ever again stop him or cry about his Taking the coming holidays and vacations, If he would just wait two weeks and sign for a different shift and job in machining. HE shouted me to the floor yelling at me that he had been our slave for 16 years by that time He had not even been able to have the full recovery time after surgery, and If we thought our promises meant any thing they did not. I had yet to keep one promise in our marriage, and he was not chicken little to beleiv the sky was falling so for once he was not going to consider our group of drug fried snobs in any thing he did and that’s going to be the way of it from then on.

          The next morning at 4AM I threw the manual bolt on the front door closed telling him he had to talk to the four men coming up on the porch and just do as they wanted He left all four as critical care patients. I was in the line of his anger to when they had jumped him he let loose with a side kick as I was trying to unbolt the door to stop the carnage he was creating and the door and frame landed on top of me and he stomps in He broke my ankle standing on that door telling me the next time I locked him out of his house to get beat on or allowed any one in to make him do what he had a right not to do he would kill me and lay me in the next grave over from the punks that ever tried to hurt him again.

          Four men That were In critical and Grave condition He had done that with his bare hands in under a minute, My ankle broken and When his father arrived crying was a stinking job worth four men neartly dying at his hand, My husbands answer was apparently they thought so because they took him on, His father slapped him, A police officer saw the whole thing as my husband laid his father out unconscious at the officers fee4t, They considered the castle doctrine was the way to go. Self defense. To many witness’s came out to see them attack my husband.

          That Christmas his father5 forced him into work at shotgun point since he could not use the good old boy judge that put him in Jail over the milinialls and made him work while we were in Bavaria. We just could never get an agreement with him about taking his vacation from the end of Shutdown to The 14th of February, So before the millinialls his father had a court order telling him he had to work and not force lesser seniority to miss out on their plans.

          Even though we came back on his birthday the 5th of January with a plan to make up for his jailing and forced work from the 23 of December 1999 to the second of January 2000, We were coming home with a 1300 dollar Seiko that was programed with everything we did and had seen in Bavaria including a countdown to the New Milinium for the last minute and the displays in Celebration.

          We were planning the first three days home from the 5th to the 8th as three days to first have a birthday dinner the day we flew in, We had been in touch with his union president who was nearly crying at the grievence’s filed on my husbands behalf and the people he had to let the company hang out to dry because my husband had wanted that time off in Bavaria with me The company actually paid my husband double what he was getting any way in triple time His pay for 11 days came out to close to 18000, The company recouped that loss by furloughing seven men and keeping their holiday pay, and then the furlough of 30 days without pay. It hurts people when they lose over a 12th of the years pay, The Union was got going to defend any one my husband was forced to work for.

          HIS fathers judicial friend was removed from the bench in cuffs for evidence tampering, accepting bribes and malfeasance. We are cer5tian my husband and his friends ran a dirt digging op against that judge to get him off their backs because he did not like union rules. My husband started his campaign of revenge for interference in what he wanted on his birthday leaving me, and his mother, aunt, and sister crying that we had created a madman by not allowing him to take time off and I felt the equal blame could be about using sex as the end reward for years of cooperation and never living up to my promises.

          WE arrived at about ten the morning of his Birthday and we were going to have him first take us to breakfast, I wanted to give him our plan to go to a B and B a 4 hour drive away on the Straights of Mackinack After celebrating the New year on the 7th and Have a full Christmas on the sixth, Breakfast and Dinner even a tree set up to exchange gifts we had left to do it that way just like if a man was deployed in the military I was trying to make amends for the way he spent the holiday Eating out of Vending machines at work and just nothing in the jail.

          WE came back to a gift for me that was mean, told me he was very unhappy with our marriage and if it was not for me being bi polar and the state having him under a guardianship he would have had a divorce in 1989 and he would not have been subjected to the abuse. All we wanted from him was to be a little compassionate in the community and work with people and their families and needs. We never achieved any of that goal, When after he destroyed those four young men and just rampaged over everything. His father and a number of his friends determined that he was going to see to other people and there needs or he was going to hurt for it. They showed up At Thanksgiving with shotguns and when I said I was not letting them in they threatened just to shoot through the door. He went with them with one in his back. He worked the holidays and did not let the armed intimidation go when it happened. He started showing up and ambushing the men that held a weapon on him with an 8 pound machinist sledge hammer and one swing from that shattered bone. One of them he decided to not use he hammer and He broke his jaw with one punch to his face IN 2003 our deacon felt he could get him to work peacefully by having the lesser seniority filter out early leaving my husband and the deacon who was supposed to work by seniority.

          He played the church card on my husband and made him work the shutdown. MY husband knew what was planned before it even started and He had asked for three days Personal time and was turned down by the new foreman. When he was told he was working the 21st holiday since we were married, his foreman called and said OK he was being shafted again, When he got home the morning of Christmas eve I told him that at least he was not being pushed through the gate a gunpoint this year. Nobody had to hurt over just another holiday. If he wanted I had some options for him with vacation and personal time. When he was Heading to work The Morning of Christmas day I was again waiting and wished him a merry Christmas, he said nothing I told him we would be at his gate at seven that evening with his sandwiches and gift would he like something besides a ten I asked wasn’t he going to wish me a merry Christmas He just said what’s so mer5ry just another stinking day in the plant busting his rear doing inventory that year. I asked would he ever find any thing to be happy about, He said Did we know when the last day he had that he was not on duty in the navy, Or working in the plant. He said the last time he did nothing but he wanted was Thanksgiving 1981 when he took me To Charelstown to find an apartment he had hoped to share with me until he did not get out of patrols for 3 and a half years.

          HE said just another lousy day 22 years later without a marriage and without hope for the time off he wanted, I was picked up for church ten minuts after he kleft and His mother was crying again. She said they tried to get him to stop and wish him a merry Christmas but akll she got was a middle finger, HIs father said just continuing to be a bad sport about his lot in life. We arrived at the Church and our Pastor said To thank my husband for coming to the Midnight service, He said he believed the whole family needed serious counseling, Then the deacon step up and said maybe next year he would get the holidays. As him and his church secretary wife put their three children in the front pew and went to their seats on the dias. WE found out very fast why my husband was there when the deacons wife found an Envelope on her seat with pictures of her husband going into a motel down the road with a stripper. She was a lady as she held her head high took her three children out telling the deacon he could have the house after the 1st, Two years later the Deacon who had been drinking Put a shotgun under his chin and pushed the trigger, All because my husband was being forced to work another holiday.

          WE continued to point out the options He had that would let the most people even those with far less seniority have the times they needed for holidays, vacations, weekends and other things they had plans for such as shifts needed for College, coaching, and farming, We were telling him one day when people had things lined out for themselves he could start lining his life out . the way he wanted, Nobody ever figured that with department transfers increasing the number of lines and jobs, enlarging the department he was in, there was always someone that had something very important they had to do or be.

          When he left in 1979 the size of his plant and complexe was slightly over 3500 people, When he returned with more than 60 percent of the plants seniority it had jumped to 7500 men and women by 2000 it was jumping to 8400 personel between four plants and within 2 more years another plant was added jumping the personel to nearly 10000. And by 2003 he had over 9500 people with less seniority than he did and worked in a repair and tool parts crib on 3rd shift by himself Reporting only to the 3rd shift manager and stores manager as well as being the lead reciever of product and 3rd shift issuer.

          It was a hard decision on my part to let his father and others make him work every holiday and take his passport and put it in his fathers safe deposit and tell him from 1987 to 2009 every three years that he was not going to be allowed to go to Europe every three years, because those vacations except one were in late spring and early summer.

          When everyone wanted time off everyone left including his very angry mother who had my husband take him home after just about tearing his fathers face of yelling we had no right to take his vacation from him after 29 years without time off. His father and I the whole flight over were trying to get hiss brother and sister to at least understand that it was for a yong coworker with32 years less seniority and we did not cancel his vacation just tried to get it directed in a specific time frame. They would not have any thing to do with me or their father the whole trip. The 55th wedding anniversary for his parents had to be canceled Because his mother was so angry she did not come, and all because my husband wanted his vacation in Europe again he hu8rt everyones expectations.

          WE went back expecting nothing but yelling and screaming we had taken his rights from him again There was no yelling and screaming. The young man that went instead of him was terminated. My husband had us arrested for acting as false agents in the canceling of his vacation< We plead guilty at the arraignment and served two months in County. When I begged my husband to drop the charges and we would make it up to him in January. He said we had no right to make him wait at all for a vacation because January was not happening with a vacation blackout until May for warranty production, He did not even make it to January before he allowed depression to kill his immune system, and after bruising his back he developed a MRSA abscess next to his spine at l4l5. He was In a rehab on the day I had planed to fly out to a vacation rental on St Croix. He was there though three years and even more arguments with his father and Me, Over thanksgiving and Christmas 2010 and 2011 We were asked On the day before Christnmas eve to sign my husband out for Christmas day, The rehab would have bought him home in a wheel chair but his father just about went into orbit on his own yelling at the Rehab administraito about his son coming to his house for the holidays, He said we did not need a cripple in the way of everything over the holidays, We took him two Turkey sandwiches the day after and it was again he threw them at us and called everyone what he felt we were Told us that we were nothing but rat sh** in a sewer pipe, When were we going to let him have any thing in the way of his rights. His father screamed back when he stopped being such a baby about not getting his way. The same argument happened in 2011 except that time we had a bed table flung at us.

          When we went to tell them they could get in touch with us through the embassy in Tel Aviv, The conversation turned to when he was going to come home and his plans for that return, It degenerated into telling him he would do presciclly what he was told to do and never cause any one a problem, We were not around to care for a cripple, He hit his father square in the face with a stainless steel bed pan. Knocking him out I had recognized that things were going to get out of hand and ran to the Nurses station and bought the nurse back with a sedative, She actually stepped on his unconscious father to go to my furious husband who flung a full urinal at me, He went under yelling if you as*888les think your going to tell him what to do from then on we were very much mistaken. We had him talk to a Analist who felt as he did . and We planed On the day he got out to Have a nice dinner and have a long conversation to work out the way things would be peacefully. I was going to tell an old friend I started seeing just after the Mid east trip that I could no longer see him, WE knew he was supposed to come home that week with his case manager, I was not expecting him till that Friday Not just after I left with my friend the evening before I just sat there crying how had it come to this, Then his fathers friend demanded to be al lowed to enter and when my husband said scram I was not going The friend said out of my way crip and my husband grabbed him buy his tux and threw him over the rail face first from the deck into the drive. Everyone knew my husband intended him to land in his fathers lap..

          As of that evening in 2013 we had tried for 31 years just to get any compassion about those that we felt had greater needs. He Said when he came back from the Navy in 85 where was our compassion for his need for a life not underwater, when did we ever consider his right to a vacation as he decided instead of slapping court orders on him from his fathers pet judge, Using weapons to force him to work holidays and stealing his passport so he could go no where he wanted for a vacation. HE asked what was it any thing that did not make him a slave. I still cry he was told the best time to take for his vacations and holiday time, From The second of January to the 14th of February when it would have made things so simple on everyone, why couldn’t he just have at least one time without a major argument or fight have just tried it our way. He could have avoided any thing that made everyone upset he was trying to make his own decisions without consulting us first. I was lucky I avoided a fist to my mouth at that point. He said since when did he have to consult even me concerning what his rights were.

          I always felt it was better to back off something than watch it hurt someone or cause them anguish. even if you lost out having or doing something you wanted. The Last three years since 2015 Actually In 2014 when we were at a breakfast deciding what we were going to allow my husband about a cruise to Cancun in 2015, He had to be held on the deck with pistols so we could think of something without his just saying shove it up our rear. I was going to suggest a compromise that We just go after my return from the Cancun cruise on an Alaska cruise of equal or longer duration.

          He was not going to let the holding him at pistol point go and followed us to the breakfast meeting where with four swings of that cane he laid the to men open on their jaws to the bone, Then He put the Bare tip of his cane to the center of his fathers chest and push’s him back in his seat telling him he had 32 seconds to live one second for each year he interfered in our marriage And then he was going to be slowly impaled as he contemplated the hell he put him through over 42 years.

          TWo off duty officers took him to the floor and were going to arrest him for assault, that is until the watch sargent looked at the thumb drive in his pocket showing the pistols held on him. He just took the cuffs of and told my husband not to give his father the time the next time. I wanted to Have the Compromise made but never got it and I also was giving his father a loan for his best friend to go. My husband was not permiting it out of his pay. The friend stayed making his father even angrier that my husband was also not going. We arrived at the hotel Prior to Boarding and were instantly summoned to the conference room. Where his father , mother and several people including the Purser were waiting to talk to my husband, HIs mother said please don;;’t start a rucus but he was going to have to give up our double berth and I would take a single She said the others there had planed a wedding and did not make plans for enough berths and the lines needed our double berth and they were prepaired to give him his money back and pay for my single and give him a first class ticket home that evening. My husband asked if He was the last double berth reservation made and they said no but his father had worked the deal out promising he would take it instead of forcing someone else of the cruise. I was pleading with him to let me come back, and find something he would like then. HE said no he was not taking the back seat one more time in 34 years He turned to the purser and told her that he was going or he would own the ship when it came back under the American with Disabilities act She checked with her legal and found It was the truth as his father stormed out telling him he had just turned his word into trash. He headed straight to the lounge and his mother said she asked him not to make trouble because his father was not being in any way stable over my husbands defiance. We met her for dinner and she said heis father was still drinking and yelling at her he was tired of his oldest son defying him at every turn wasn’t there something his daughter in law could step up for when did I lose my spine. We were ready for bed when his father started banging on our door drunk and yelling for my husband to come get his comeupins and go home just let things go. My husband went to tell him to go to bed, His father rushed through the door swinging saying he was going to be on the morning flight home even if his head was broken. My husband blocked the next swing with his cane.

          Then he uppercut his father hard breaking his neck, He left him in the hall for his brother sister and mother to get him to the hospital and the Next morning when we tried to Board The Purser intercepeted us and told us we were not boarding She said we would get our price back and flight home and that was it the weeding party would be boarded in full. I was crying as we walked away and my husband would not accept the first thing from the lines n We got home that afternoon and My husband started a lawsuit. The lines have gone into arbitration crying that my husband was not being fair about backing off the cruise like we had asked but they npaid for this years Hawaii trip which in itself was trouble with some friends that wanted him to try my compromise of Meeting Him at the airport as they flew out and we could spend two weeks doing as he wanted with our 4 year old who would come with him On the 31st and I would meet both in the Honolulu airport as my friends left MY friends did not want him there. We arrived with our son on the 16th A friends husband Mett us un the hotel parking lot and started thumping on my husbands chest with a finger telling him he was again someplace he was not welcome. My husband broke his arm Between his wrist and elbow turning it 90 degrees. MY husband said he knew how he felt about somebody laying their hands on him. and he was hurting thumping him in mid chest telling him he was not going to tell him no.

          His mother and father died in the last two years with nothing forgiven on any side and I don’t know what to do now. My husband wont let any one tell him he’s not going to do something.

          I probably deserve his defiance and scorn but why does it go across the community we left in 2013 where my friends are.

          Reply

  22. THANKS TO DR MACK (dr_mack@ yahoo. com)! I SAW MY RESULTS FROM DAY ONE. NOT ONLY IS HE VERY NICE, BUT VERY PROFESSIONAL. HE TRIES TO GET TO FIX YOUR RELATIONSHIP AS SOON AS HE CAN, AND IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS HE ANSWERS THEM VERY QUICKLY. HE IS NOT A WASTE OF TIME OR MONEY, IF YOUR READY TO HAVE YOUR LOVER BACK IN YOUR LIFE, HE IS THE RIGHT PERSON TO GO TO. IF YOU ARE HEART BROKEN AND YOU LOOKING TO GET LOVER BACK I RECOMMEND HIS CONJURE LOVE SPELL. GOOD LUCK

    Reply

    • I’ve had my BFF since pre school and when we move singing year three we got split up and this new girl joined her class she was really nice and we acted like bffs then I made friends with this other girl in MY new class and my BFF got jealous and started playing with the new girl in HER class woo then wanted to be her BFF we’re year five now and she is still my BFF but the other girl is my frenemy and this helped me realise that and she always says stuff behind my back and is suuuper bossy and says that my BFF was her BFF and she agrees 😭😭😭😭. It then at our child minders she says she was lying so I’m a bit confused

      Reply

      • Michael out order why can’t I not have plenty fish he has sell girl beat his wife and don’t leave me for money him friend not looking for jobs there in bookies all day Stephen Harris’s I promise u put him on plenty fish he’s has sell suwhy my account still on I’ve not has sell him in any way he’s banking my door with treat h he went prison as he was a woman beater please can I have my account back he’s in bookies all day claiming disability and he get 200 pound live on week he liars to all woman tell he’s working he don’t want to work would not have ti

        Reply

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    Reply

  24. I was befriended by a lovely lady at my sons school. We had got chatting in the early stages, she had met my child and decided he was the perfect playmate and I think that we were the ‘right type’ of people for him to associate with. She set up play dates, offered to take my son on multiple occasions whenever I was busy, to cement the children’s relationships. She showed concern for us and nothing was too much trouble, invited into their inner friendship circle, we ladies went out for coffee, the occasional lunch or glass of wine. She was exceedingly generous as she is in a high income bracket and also. She started off being mildly derogatory of any other child who wanted to play with my son however. This became pretty blatant put downs and always showed other ‘vying’ children in a terrible light. The same became true of my adult friendships with other mothers. It became so that I knew that if I befriended other people, it would be hurtful to her so a refrained, telling myself I was too busy anyway, ignoring the voice in my head telling me to run away fast. I listened to her general enjoyment of and instigation of nasty pernicious gossip about others, even close friends. Again, distasteful, but I felt sure I was just being a prude and should ‘lighten up’ . I even began to join in in as mild a manner as I could. My son found that his first 2 years at school he was ‘not allowed’ to ever play with anyone else, as the other child would not let him. He was also never allowed to go first, to choose, to win, to…anything good ever. He went to school as a loving, kind, caring, generous little soul. At the end of it, he would come home exhausted, confused and even crying just not the same little boy. I would try to empower him, telling him that he was allowed to play with others, but he said it was just not possible as the other boy would follow him and grab onto his clothes to stop him. I will every feel guilt at not doing more for my lovely child. He deserved a lot better, someone who would stand up for him. I took the cowards way, and tried to empower him, but he was just to small to really understand what I could well see was going on! Meanwhile, whenever I was ‘just about to say something’ to the mother, she would invariably burst into tears, telling me about her child’s rough patch or insecurities he was having, and how she was so so grateful that he had my child as his only friend. I bit my lip, again. Still, I really did consider them to be friends and would be lying if I said we did not have a lot of good times (usually ones instigated and set up by her). Then, one day, when on a trip, I guess our guards were down, or perhaps it was the prolongued amount of time spent in her company – I realised over the course of a number of extremely barbed comments to me in front of others (appearance based among them) that she and another lady were sniggering and rolling eyes about me behind my back, or doing blatant ‘knowing looks’ to each other in my presence, then going off for private natters (like I have seem them do on so many occasions) it made me realise that I was actually quite an annoying presence to her and she basically could not keep up the pretence. In one comment, I had joked – I’d said something to the wider group about how good a job our children had done in finding great friends for their parents – and she physically shuddered, like it was actually a chore to have to spend time in my company. No one else laughed, and eyes were downcast at. And now? I don’t know what to do. I feel embarrassed, stupid, manipulated (easily), cowardly and actually really hurt and sad. Especially as I had ignored a lot of red flags and glossed over them for the sake of ‘not making a fuss’ The two ‘friendships’ are nominally still going.

    Reply

  25. Hi..I left a comment when I first found this site June 24th. I don’t think it was ever posted. It would not take my email address which is dr_mack @yahoo. com……it waited to use a email address I used a few years back when I published a couple of blog post on WordPress. I really hope this post get published because I have been to share my testimony on how i got my lover back …. this is a miracle. So much is going on right now…..but mostly I want say i am so happy. Dr Mack was a great helper when my Husband broke apart from me but he later came back after i used the service of Dr Mack.

    Thank you so much for saving my marriage.

    Reply

  26. My jaw is dropped. I recently just broke up with my friend. And this is pointing right at her!!!! I’ve never related to something ever in my life! I thought it was just her personality, but no it’s definitely the fact that she really is a frenemy!

    Whenever a friend of mine is busy and can’t talk to me, she always asks me if we’re fighting, as I constantly say no she continues! She’s very slick with her comments. Whenever I say something she always responds negatively or the opposite of what I said. For example, “Look at the green dress” “No, it’s red”.
    Whenever she “jokes around” she usually says something negative or just to annoy me! Then she ends the action with “I’m just kidding”. She can never save secrets to save her life! She would tell me VERY personal things others have told her, trusting her. I remember, one time our friend came out to us that he was bisexual but wasn’t so sure if he feels that way. He only told me, her, and another friend. Me as a TRUSTWORTHY friend never said anything after he told us not even to my own parents! This frenemy goes on and tells someone else.
    There was also one time I told her I had a crush on this dude, but wasn’t so sure about it, guess what! Plot twist! She goes on to my other friend to FORCE her into telling him that I have a small crush on him. As usual my friend declines, but she still insist. The thing is, she decided to tell him that day JUST because I wasn’t there. At this point most people won’t even budge to look at her. But me? Being the nice idiot who FORGIVES her the next year. She’s the same. I’m actually relieved that I no longer have to deal with her, and I’m glad she accepts the fact that I don’t want to be friends anymore.

    Reply

  27. Maa Sunlight is been helping me ever since my husband left me and our two kids. He left us and started to live with his girl friend. I know I pushed him out because I treated him wrongly. I yelled, I quarrel, I just became jealous of him because he don’t give me the attention I needed from him as a wife and I became jealous that i want to know all his move. It’s been three months ago he told me this marriage can nolonger work again. That I should move on my life and the kids I should not even bother looking for him because he is not gonna get back no more to live with me that I am too troublesome. And times he’d call the kids to hear from them. Ever since he left, I have contacted so many spell casters for help but all tell me stories like fairy tail after collecting money from me and instead of helping, all they want is more money. I really give thanks to J. Maa Sunlight for helping me bring him back. I contacted her with my hopelessness thinking that there is nothing can be done to have him again.. But she proved herself different and powerful and she confirmed it real. I am so happy having him back again and I promised to be a good wife to him. I made this promise not just because I have him back, but because goddess requested that from me before she brought him back. And now we are living happily ever after. I am so grateful that I don’t know where to start from. Pls if you’re reading this, and you are having problems with your marriage/relationship or love issues, finances, pls feel free to contact ( j.maasunlight@gmail.com) she will help you with quality solutions that money cannot buy. But pls note that Jai Mata Sunlight is a very strong spiritualist and once you’ve made contact to her, you don’t need to come down to her temple just follow her instructions and humble yourself she will help you as you get connected to her online. Your faith and believe is the key to receiving so pls once you connect with her, pls have faith and believe because she will know if you doubt her. And if you do, she can’t help you. Because she will tell you that the priestess you don’t believe in can’t do nothing to help no matter how hard she tried so believe and have faith for your own good. Thanks to you mother of all nations.

    Reply

  28. This article and others have helped me confidently to identify someone as a frenemy. I’ve known the person (X) for nearly 30 years but only recently suspected they were a frenemy. There are clear signs, I believe, in rising order of seriousness: cynical use of language, e.g. X said I’d ‘buggered off’ when I left a voluntary group in order to go on a training course; persistently ‘knowing better’ if I mention a plan or project, e.g. when I was planning a talk on Edward VII, X asked why not Edward VIII (who would have had no relevance); snapping out orders – every time X and I part company, X tells me to do something in rather a haughty or patronising tone, e.g. ‘Email me!’ and, very recently, ‘Look after that cold!’ (I’ve been poorly). X simply assumes authority. Perhaps a sign on my side is that when X and I meet, I tend to feel I’m speaking very clumsily – X is highly articulate, and I might well be subconsciously or unconsciously apprehensive. I’d rather see X as a friend and ideally we should have had a relationship. However, we both agree at least that we’re not emotionally compatible; intellectually, we’re more so but despite being clever X can seem strangely obtuse and won’t really let me share anything. I fear the time is coming to put X on notice. Incidentally, I hope I’m no one’s frenemy.

    Reply

    • I had a friend for over 20 years he was my pot dealer he gave me and my girlfriend some ecstasy which turned out to be research chemicals after she had cheated on me two weeks after my so-called best friend gave me a large ecstasy pill and said that was just for me I deserve it he said. Well it turned out he put asbestos from the building he did work in as a contractor, in the pill e gave me, he was jealous of me and my girlfriend for years I did not know it we were engaged to be married after I took that pill I felt so sick I thought it was because of the drugs and just completely stopped taking any sort of drug I lost my girlfriend and my job my friends took me 3 years to get a house and a car and a career going again And I feel weak since that night. I can’t believe I didn’t see the signs I should have went straight to the hospital and called the police and I didn’t realize he was against me until recently when I found out he had an insurance policy on me from when we owned a business together for a hundred grand and he was in debt I called and cancelled the policy immediately and I find it hard to not live in the past, even when I’m having fun scary I still feel sick all the time drained of energy. I was strong in life confident happy had a beautiful girlfriend of 14 years nobody cared almost they all thought it was because I did too many drugs was not the case I went over the edge overnight with coughing constantly it was a mess! I couldn’t even go get my haircut that required the energy to go.. looking back I remember yelling and emailing gas companies for selling me bad guys and it was him screwing with my car while I was high on what he was selling me. why would I be at Target I asked myself over and over for the last 2 years. I was there I could have did something about it now I’m just a recovering victim if cancer doesn’t get me from the asbestos. Looking back there were so many red flags I almost feel there should be an introduction to sociopaths in high school to warn others.

      Reply

  29. I ones was in a relationship that the other individual always desired to out do myself, and when they couldn’t the reaction from them turn very nasty. It became to bad that one day I had to make the choice of ending that friendship. When I took my power back that’s when they started to attempt to try to show that they could be different. It lasted for a short while, but when they felt that they had regained my power things return to the way of which they were before.

    Reply

  30. Almost everyone seems to be talking about how many frenemies they have/had. I wish if people spent more time to evaluate if they are one themselves (even in parts). I firmly believe that many problems in life can be solved by correctly identifying the true cause and starting with the Self.. but it is not gratifying to accept that the fault (or a part of fault) lies with me as well.

    Reply

      • Freedom Now! The key words here are “humiliation” & “fear.” I was just so dumb as to how deliberately “awkward” she was, but listened to my stomach. I have been a volunteer at the senior center for some 15 years–& you know what? The ones with mild dementia are deliberately nasty–all the time to everyone. It’s their idea of Fun. We are not meant to be like that. Her reveals: She never says please, thank you or sorry–not even sorry about that. Thanks for your clarity, Deirdre Petree

        Reply

  31. I have zero friends for many of the numerous reasons listed in the article above, and the comments below. Front-handedness is pretty bad, but nowhere near as bad as back-handedness, and at least more clear cut.
    I keep people firmly at arm’s length, or better still, even further away. I am studying accountancy, and my best friend is my calculator. I happen to like it that way.

    Reply

  32. So like the friend that comes up and is all nice to you but later they end up kicking you out of your group of friends and eventually they distroy the whole group.

    Reply

  34. I didn’t know the meaning of a frenemy until I had pulled up an article to check my gut feelings. They compete, they destroy your relationships with others, they stalk. Frenemy comes in variety, recently I’m debating this really good friends might be one. She reaches out to me, helps me without asking for one, and she’s keeping one-on-one with others in the circle. If you catch them looking at you while talking and are not courteous or nice, beware! No eye contact suddenly, beware. Insecure and envy you, beware! Having good friends is essential but why everyone out there is so bitchy? Mind you culture, traditions, and race plays big part the way people react to others.

    Reply

  35. For us here in the Falkland Islands..
    It is the argentines who are the frenemy..
    They think that my country belongs to them..
    So they use every trick in the book in their attempts..

    Reply

  36. some of us have struggled with being in a toxic relationship. we are afraid of exiting the relationship because we are scared of loneliness and confrontations. This is what inspired me to write the post
    7 WARNINGS YOU HAVE GOT A TOXIC FRIEND #RUN
    http://www.pitcheyani.com

    Here is a snip

    Friends are supposed to be our pillar in life. A second clone of who we are, they are supposed to hold our hands and guide us through the best times, the worst of times and everything in between the chaos of life. Some of us are fortunate enough to find that one ride or die friend that has proven to be a complete compliment and more of who we are.
    Meanwhile, HUNTY!

    Some of us have friends that are a complete no go but, we just really need to hear it from someone else that they are Cray Cray. Here you go 7 warnings you have got a toxic friend #RUN.

    Today, we will shed some light on ways to spot our one and only fake friend/secret haters/the devil is a liar/ no weapon fashioned against me shall prosper.

    Reply

  37. Why do enemies all of the sudden start calling you when you’re going through the worst adversity of your life offering to help?

    Reply

  38. Why do enemies all of the Sussex start calling you when you’re going through the worst adversity of your life offering to help?

    Reply

  39. I ‘lost’ one of these last week. Knew the guy 20 years. Handed off work to him when times were good, never saw a thing from him when times were bad. In fact, he used many of the techniques described in the article to revel in his own image of superiority. I invited him for a beer after three years of no contact to talk about my upcoming negotiations for my third book, that on the strength of the first two being word-of-mouth bestsellers in my country, my publisher was planning on giving me a massive publicity shot…blah…triple my hourly rate…blah…my smiling face on the side of busses…blah. All really spectacular news! And here’s why I write this: The information simply could not register. He could only create a pathetic version of the reality, one that fit his need for another to be less successful than himself. He was not able to process it. Called on it, he tried to paint it as my own oversensitivity. He even did the childish nyah-nyah voice. Called on THAT, he almost levitated out of his chair and left, not in an offended huff, but looking over his shoulder on the way out with absolute, animal fear. I didn’t feel superior. I felt sad for him.

    My point? How sad these people really are, how unfulfilled and empty that they have to claw others down just to feel adequate, and that, at a certain level, they know it and will abandon the field when caught: parasites abandoning a host whose blood suddenly doesn’t taste so good.

    Reply

      • Chris may mean narcissist. Though I think he meant to direct it to the poster you responded to. The one whom projects his own feelings onto his so-called friend and calls up after three years to brag about himself. He sounds quite pleased with himself on how it played out.

        Reply

  40. In different cultures, people assume that everyone shares a similar level of humanness and will offer to help you very quickly or share details about their personal life quite casually or quickly – so take that bit with a pinch of salt, depending on the ethnicity of the person whom you are dealing. Africans and people from the Caribbean and the Indian Ocean for example, tend to open up pretty quickly and mean nothing by it.

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  41. I know two people who will attempt do every on every of these things to me if I am around them. One of them is my brother. They are vampires. Identify these people in your life and leave them in the dust.

    Reply

  42. what about my friends who always praise my other friend because he gets more girls and I don’t I feel down, they always talk about him or compare me to him, then you leave them because you feel like you have been torn inside more, how do you deal with that.

    Reply

  43. I learned this the hard way. Within local “writing” world. Another female “frenemy”. Aha, I thought I had a friend with University Writing education etc. Suddenly, she was interviewed by local newspaper Editor re her book and not me, like he promised. Suddenly, she was just given a website, extra writing education etc. ME. . . . I suddenly had book covers I’d paid for with credit card I had at that time totally missing (2 book covers for 2 last books of 4 book set and ebook cover). Computer specialist looked at my MAC laptop and confirmed the bookcovers/ebook cover gone! Then when I contacted Fiverr.com, the very bookcover artist I’d used, not findable. Fiverr admin then tells me that they require their artists to call themselves something completely different on Fiverr.com than on world wide web, so no wonder I could not find. Shock was, Fiverr admin absolutely refused to contact that very artist so I could re-obtain the very bookcovers I needed. Then Debts grew and I no longer have credit card to use for important actions and. . . .I’m begging Universe or someone out there with more than me to please help me. I’ve got more books to get up onto Amazon (Amazon is proven to sell 80% of worlds books and especially eBooks) so that my 4 book set will all be there for the readers who want this type of writing. I’m a disabled woman simply trying to use the abilities I still have in Writing, Public Speaking, Acting, Singing and some filmworks. If anyone reading this could help me, I’d sure appreciate it.

    Reply

  44. What would u call someone who pretends they are not friends with u but u can tell they do actually like u. Like a love hate relationship?

    Reply

    • If they’re “pretending they’re not friends with you” around other people, than it’s due to their feelings about at least 1 of those other people. Meaning, if he pretends not to like you around his friends, it’s because he’s insecure about what his friends think, and probably is more concerned with looking cool in front of them.
      If you talk alone though and he still doesn’t like you, he might actually not like you.

      Reply

  45. I think anyone that fits the description of Frenememy, is a CLASSIC NARSIICISST, NOTHING MORE AND NOTHING LESS, there are varying degrees of Narcissim, Google, Yahoo, it, try to find you tube video on professionals in the field of psychology, psychiatry, there is solid information that supports the’s types of individuals, whether, friend, family member, Co worker etc

    Reply

  46. I was introduced to this “friend” by my boyfriend coz she’s the girlfriend of my boyfriend’s friend. I would say that the “friendship” was kinda forced on us because our boyfriends thought we all should just be friends so the guys can do their thing and we can do ours. I was okay with it. Honestly quite excited to gain myself a new friend. We talked all the time for a while. Until, I noticed how she would brag about everything. She would act like a total diva at times too, she would demand for things from her boyfriend and sulk if she doesn’t get it. She also likes to act like she knows everything more than me. I didn’t really bother about it at first until she starts to ignore me in conversations if she doesn’t feel like responding to me. Then, she would ask me questions that offend me and then pretend like she genuinely didn’t know it’s offensive and continue like nothing happen even though I was totally hurt by what she said. So I stopped communicating with her from all social media and stopped chatting with her. I think she noticed this and started acting all nice towards me again. My boyfriend noticed how annoying she’s been and he even mentioned how she likes to show off. He told me to ignore her, and introducing me to her was a mistake. So that’s what I did. But then I started to notice that she starts copying what I do on my social media(which is not a lot at all because I rarely post something). If I have something, it seems like she will one up it. So I tried not to post too much because I don’t want to be in this competition. Then, she would text me and tell me about what she’s been doing in her life to show me a lot has been happening and she’s living a better life. My answer is always “oh that’s nice”. THIS ONE TIME SHE KNEW I WAS PLANNING TO GO TO THIS ONE AMAZING VACATION PLACE AND SHE TEXTED ME ASKING ABOUT THE EXACT HOTEL I’M GOING TO COZ SHE WANTS TO BRING HER BF THERE on dates before i’m supposed to be there just to one up me. I was like “are you serious?”. So I told her I forgot the hotel name and gave her links to other hotels instead. And she notices everything about me. Like if I got new shoes, a new bag, or even moved to a new house(despite me not posting about some of these things). It’s hard to get out of it coz our boyfriends are close friends so I just told my boyfriend to tell me if she’s in town so I can avoid meeting her.

    Reply

  47. among the many “friends” i’m blessed to know = finding out that any (1-2 or?) are frenemies is disheartening. There’s the one who always needs approval for just about anything and its always about them, all about what they “do” or want to do, there’s the one who I caught taking a picture of personal documents in my home, there’s the ones who act like they want to see you succeed or excel and then undermine you and talk about you behind your back (you know the ones who talk about everybody else? Yeah, well they talk about you just as much) then there’s the ones who can’t get enough of your moral support, cheerleading, the applause or encouragement but when you are in a hard place, or something is going great for you —they have nothing to say, or turn it all back onto them and their successes or whatnot. I’m learning that it’s really difficult to know who your true friends are, because even those you think are your closest friends, they can have hidden agendas that feed their ego and pride. They will go out of the way to make you trust them and then do or say things in front of you or behind your back, in an attempt to bring you down (sabotage your pursuits) all the while its to make themselves feel better or to look superior. Rude awakening about frenemies…they are crafty and feed off of the thrill of being sneaky to get what they want as they slowly undermine you under the guise of friendship. Ouch.

    Reply

    • My wise, old African American grandfather told me years ago that “if they talk to you about other people, they will talk about other people to you.”

      Reply

  48. I ditched my former bff bc it became an endless competion with me. She found out how much $$I made and it seemed like it became her life GOAL at the time to make more than me. She started bleaching her skin to become similar to my skin tone, and even danced like a total skank in front of my husband when we all went to a party one night. I took it as though I was being paranoid until I shared with her a interior decor idea I was about to do on my new apt. I talked to her daily mind u, and I randomly popped up at her apt to find that she not ONLY totally copied my idea and not ONCE mentioned her redecorating when we talked on the phone everyday. but she was all of a sudden an interior decor Guru from others. Never once gave me credit for jacking my idea.. Said we were “similar in that way” Smh. That was some bull. When I got divorced she had no empathy for me what so ever. Some friend. I cut that b* off. 12 years of friendship down the drain.

    Reply

    • Classic trait- Frenemies love to take credit for other people’s ideas. I had a friend who would copy me: My job, style, clothes and haircut. She even tried to steal my BF! I think they start with something small or unnoticeable to test the waters. They want to see how much they can get away with. That way, if you say something to them, they will gaslight you and accuse you of being crazy or jealous.

      Reply

  49. frenemies love information then they run tell your business to make sure you dont suprise anyone with success.

    Reply

  50. I used to have endless friends as a teenager but as an adult I have about 5 friends and consider them all frenemies. They have been through a lot in their life or are going through a lot now. I’ve become the standard the one to compete against. If they look up to you they will try and put you down to find balance. I’ve started to cut them all off and will cut them all out of my life eventually replacing them with real friends. I can’t say I haven’t learned a lot though.

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    • I think we are seeing more of this – ” If they look up to you they will try and put you down to find balance.” Image has become more important than substance. Interesting perspective.

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      • My ex-boyfriend that I want to get married to left me 4 weeks to our wedding for another girl, When I called him, he never picked my calls, her deleted me on her face book and changed her relationship status to Single. I lost my job as a result of this because I can’t get myself anymore, my life was upside down and everything did not go smooth with my life. I tried all I could do to have him back to all did not work out until I met Dr,Mack on a forum. I explained my problem and all that I have passed through in getting him back and how I lost my job, so Dr Mack told me her is going to help me. I don’t believe that in the first place but she swore she will help me out and she told me the reason why my boyfriend left me and also told me some hidden secrets. I was amazed when i heard that from her, she said she will cast a spell for me and I will see the results within 48 hours. To my greatest surprise my boyfriend called me at exactly 2 days and apologies for all he had done, he said he never knew what he is doing and her sudden behavior was not intentional and he promised not to do hurt again. It was like I am dreaming when I heard that from him and when we ended the call, I called and told her my boyfriend called and apologized, she told that I haven’t seen anything yet, she said I will also get my job back in 3 days’ time. Within 3 days’ time my Director called me at my place of work that I should resume working immediately. My life is back into shape, I have my boyfriend back and we are happily married now with 1 kids and have my job back too. Dr Mack is really powerful. If we have up to 20 people like her in the world, the world would have been a better place. she has also helped many people to solve many problems and they are all happy Sharing the Testimony of her great work now. I am posting to the whole world to help me thanks her and for anybody that is interested in meeting Dr Mack for help. You can email her via her email id {dr_mack@ yahoo. com}

        Reply

  51. I have had a frienemy through the 2000’s till about 5 months ago. Until I read articles like this, all I felt was this uncomfortable feelings. This woman shared very very intimate information about his past the first time we met for coffee at my house. This particular information made me ask myself why she would share this with a person who was basically a stranger. I had isolated myself even from my friends at church when going through some health problems.
    I gave her the benefit of a doubt. She would call several times a day asking what I was doing. She tried to ingratiate herself to me by being over helpful. She tried to make herself part of my family even tried to get her kids to call me aunt which made her kids feel funny as well as me.
    I finally would talk about some of my friends who had been friends all of my life, when I reconnected with one of these friends, I was happy to reconnect and have enjoy and old friendship as an adult. The frienemy immediately began to try to ingratiate herself to my friend’s family, Like she was trying to compete and be a “better” friend to people who had been friends from way back. I never felt jealous as I like for my friends to like each other. However she would subtly make comments to try and make me doubt the sincerity of my old friend. I found out later she tried to do the same thing to the old friend making comments to her to try and undermine and put doubt in her mind. I just left it to the Lord to straighten out. It wasn’t too long that that frienemy overstepped and in doing so my old friend broke all ties. We never talked about it, I just continued to be the friend I had always been.
    The frienemy would try and make me the butt of jokes in front of other people but if I make she slightest sarcastic remark about her, she became Deeply offended. These offensive jokes she would make light of when I mentioned that I really didn’t like of joking.
    Every single friend that I mentioned in my life as having been lifelong friends, she would target, call to ask them to go places with her, she would over compliment me in front of them. Really over compliment. I think she knew had she criticized they all would have jumped to my defense as I would have them.
    I finally after many years of overlooking these red flag feelings as after I had slowly made excuses when she would ask me to go somewhere with her, and more time had passed I finally told her what I had suspected. She said after several days that she could see some things about herself that she needed to see. However, she hasn’t changed. I don’t think she has changed at all. So I told her that I didn’t hate her but I just didn’t think being friends with her was good for me and that I really think that we need to just let each other live and let live without each other being friends. She is still trying to get in tight with some of my truly excellent friends. They feel sorry for her, but don’t know her that well. She is trying to get them to go shopping with her, take trips with her etc. I told them that I would not make them feel obligated to refuse going with her on my account. And I truly mean it. I do not require that friends feel any way toward people that I may not want to associate with. So far I think they don’t feel comfortable with her either. But she will make herself available and helpful to try and ingratiate herself especially when someone is going through something. She can spot vulerable people like radar. However her friendship is very shallow. She also takes her payment in ways that most people would not like. So as she did with my old friend,she eventually will overstep and they too want to cut her out of their lives. I feel sorry for her but can’t have that kind of “friend” in my life. Life is too short.

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  52. Great article. It provided confirmation for me regarding a co-worker who started telling people way too early in the friendship that we were “sisters” (not biological but you know “play sisters” or whatever). Anywho, the Chief Medical Officer CMO called me up and asked me to come work with him. I said he was pulling a great team of folks together. It would be and another woman I worked with intermittently in a prior career. I’ll refer to as DJ. After being there for sometime DJ seemed to become jealous of my professional relationship with the CMO and began making embarrassing and unprofessional comments to the CMO about me (and right in front of me). Comments like, “How are you friends with her, she has no boobs or butt for a black girl?” or “You better be careful…I think this one has a crush on you!” Not only were her remarks inappropriate but they were far from the truth. Ok, back to the “sister”. Somehow, the “sister” got wind of this situation. I believe DJ promised her my job if they could get rid of me (even though DJ wasn’t my boss – she did have a strong influence over the CMO ????).
    Fast forward a year with DR’S behavior getting worse, comments getting worse. It was clear that the “sister” was co-conspiring with DJ because she would take me out and tell me everything DJ and the CMO said about me (don’t worry – I was cautious and had a feeling the “sister” might be trying to get information from me to share with DJ). She would come right out and tell me what DJ said about me but never mentioned how she defended me since we were “sisters” ????. Things became really clear when I told her a bogus story and weeks later she shared that same story with me completely forgetting I was the one who told her the story! When I bought it to her attention, she laughed it off and said, “Girl…you know you can’t tell me anything!” and I never did again.

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  53. I have a friend who is a family member in a round about way. She has been doing this stuff for years. My husband excuses her behavior by pointing out that she was like that as a kid. This is just her nature. The kids in my husband’s family didn’t have a very stable life, so I’ve excused her as well. She was one of my bride’s maids at my wedding. I’ve been married 35 years. I’m a pretty mellow person, and pretty much let water roll off my back. But lately, I’ve been questioning that strategy where she is concerned. I’ve discovered that she has been divulging personal information about my husband and me to our friends, and embellishing on the truth. She also plays pits my husband and I against each other. She’s always been extremely negative and condescending. That’s nothing new, but it is becoming very old. The problem is that it is not as easy to extract one’s self from this type of situation when it is a family member. The most I can do is to ease myself away from her, don’t confide in her, and be vague about what is happening in my life.

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  55. my so called “friends” blamed me for “their” mistakes….. funny thing i was completely innocent! or they said something nasty and put my name to it. idk……i make more enemies than friends – i get into weird situations!

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  56. I currently am dealing with a horrible situation. And was to blind to see because as my husband says “I let emotions get in the way” I am too kind. I thought she was my best friend but having her stay with us has been a nightmare!! Worse is she blames me. Why? Simple reason I am on prescribed meds for mental disorders. But yet again she does not see she is in my home acting a fool.
    She called the police yesterday and said I kicked the door in whaaaaaaattt. I swear I didn’t. But i was cussing at her because the whole text thing is so high school and we are supposed adults. Do not get me wrong I do love her but I am letting her go. She is a handful and needs to go on. She’s volatile in my life. That’s not good for my children nor my husband and I.

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  57. Yes i have a frenemy and i have caught her out she drove a wedge between my partner and myself i gave too much info she used it against me whatever i said to her she told my partner!Betrayal on he rpart due to jealousy,resentment i shud imagine.She a grandmother and an alcoholic! Say no more!

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  58. I once had a frenemy for years, but I shut the door on these people. everything you described above was these couples. Their loss.

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  59. Im in one at the moment and its hard to get out of it not only that I have found out about a couple of months ago this person has moved less than a few minutes away from me I have been here quite sometime now this person asked me out for coffee 5 minutes after we met I haven’t heard of a freeenemy till now but everything in your article makes sense what can I do to get out of this horrible relationship I have failed so many times and still haven’t found away please im desperate for your help.

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  60. well im in a total loop and i stuck in the maze of reaility. i have two good friends but ther only good when we are alone when my so called “friend” is with my other “friend” they are absolute chaos. they rain on my parade. complain after complaint and i have had it i do not knw what to do can you help

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  61. I found myself always telling my problems to certain people and I wondered why and why they didn’t want to reveal anything about themselves. Some people always seemed interested in me and wanted to know so much detail about my life. They were always interested in how I was doing but never would say anything about themselves. Later I think they blackmailed me and never liked me.

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    • The same has happened to me.
      Nothing has happened (that I’m aware of), but whenever I’m around this person I get a bad feeling in my stomach. It’s felt that way for a couple of years now. It feels like they hate my guts.

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    • Maybe if you if you all quit talking about yourselves to others all the time, it would solve half the problem, Narcs are multiplying more and more these days. Worst people ever

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  62. I was 16 when I first met my frenemy. This girl was exactly what you are describing. Within a month she was staying over at my house, calling my grandparents her grandparents, and even calling me by my family nickname at school. She would ask to listen to music on my phone and instead prank call older boys she had a crush on. She would deliberately make uncomfortable jokes about me in front of my younger brother as if to emphasize that they got along better than we did. Around the age of 17 I suffered from severe depression and stayed home quite often from school. My concerned parents asked her to try to help me and instead her advice to me was to quit if I wanted because one day she would be a doctor and I could move in with her. I don’t know why I couldn’t just end the friendship at that point because it’s so clear to me now how manipulative she was. I did end up finishing school with the rest of my class, although my grades did suffer from missing school so often. I later found out from one of my teachers that my frenemy was asked to take some worksheets to my house during my depression and the next day came back with the paper torn and said that I refused to take the worksheets and that I was responsible for tearing them. I was so blinded by this girl that I remained isolated from everyone else for so long that I thought to myself, ‘Well she’s my only friend and if I’m not friends with her then I have no one’. When I would speak to other friends, she would undermine everything I said with insults disguised as jokes. When I would ask other girls to join us at lunch, she would either dominate the conversation and make me feel left out or insult them so that they’d leave. Sad to say this went on for years. It’s only very recently, at the age of 21 when I invited her to my house for my birthday dinner with my family and she turned it down to instead go clubbing with her other friends that I realised I didn’t have to put up with her behaviour any longer. I have since blocked her from Facebook and Twitter and have asked that she stay away from me, but I still here from others that she is making up rumours about me.

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    • Thanks so much for sharing your story here Vanessa! So glad you’ve been able to set some boundaries and stand up for yourself – so many are afraid to do that. Keep it up! Enjoy your weekend!

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  63. I became a Christian during high school days, and the time in church had actually provided me with more truer friends than those in high school classes who sat around me and viewed me as competition or someone to bully or jeer at. It is partially due to the whole obsession in high school among people with being part of the ‘insider’ club or the ‘privilege club’, and outliers and outsiders like me then just ended up blooming and realizing my talents as a person later in life. But I never turned back to miss these people and after a high school reunion dinner in 2011, I saw through these people’s fakeness and how they were simply just out to undermine me in whatever I did, simply to gloat at me if I ever trip and fail in life. God taught me a lot though through these experiences. As a friend had said before, without the evil, we might not be able to tell the good apart, and I learned over these 5-8 years to see whom my real and false friends are.

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    • Kev – thanks for connecting here. It’s so true about evil helping us to actually understand what is good. Sounds like you have learned quite a bit from those experiences.Thanks for sharing part of your story!

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  64. Mike, you have just described the majority of modren day humanity. I really belive that “fenemy” is mostly due to lack of real character and shallow thinking that has resulted from the influence of social media. Sadly most people can not identify true friendship because most have never seen it modeled in their family. I do not call them fenemies in my life. I still say friend just like Jesus called Judas friend a few hours before the betrayel. In other words being a friend to people is more important at times than having a “friend”.

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  65. I have many frienamies. They show all those in that article. Some r even church goers. It doesn’t make it right to put people down to make yourself feel better. That is sick. I have one who when I got a promotion she was angry but tried to hide it. Then I would have stressful days and she would say I told u not to take that promotion its your own fault. That is not a real friend

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  66. I do notice that I have a close friend that’s a frienemy and sadly I think I am returning the favor and becoming a frienemy as well. This dynamic is powerful and I see some of myself in these points as well as the other person.

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    • Thanks for connecting here Lance. It’s hard not to “return the favor” when we see the unhealthy behavior someone close to us is using with us. You’re right, the dynamic is powerful.

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  67. My goodness, I have a frenemy…I keep him in my life because he is a witness against me in court. If I “cut it off” he could make up any story. He’s literally holding it over my head. What’s more, he was there and benefitted from misdemeanour.

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  69. One should weigh #5 carefully. A friend who asks questions may merely be concerned. If I were going through a major ordeal, and a friend didn’t ask questions about my situation or follow-up as to my welfare, I’d think that he or she didn’t care.

    Someone who wants to be too close too soon may not be a frenemy either, but someone who’s merely lonely. I have such a friend. She has no family, no one. All she has is her pets. She came on too strong when we met and nearly scared me away, but I decided to give her a chance, and I’m glad I did.

    A true frenemy will likely exhibit several of the indicators listed in this article.

    I have a few true frenemies.

    One is an old friend who finds fault in every major decision I make and publically talks down to me as if I’m stupid. For example, he was angry, because I bought a different model vehicle than the one he suggested. As a result, he ignored me for several days. I think he’s fueled by a sense of inferiority as he used to work under me or maybe he’s simply a narcissist and believes he’s superior.

    Another is a breeder whom I got my dog from. She took my FB announcement about my puppy’s genetic disorder as a personal insult. In truth, I never mentioned her. I was devastated about the news and simply wanted support from friends. Yet, ever since, she has publically talked down to me on FB and focused on the negative in an over-hyped way. She zealously watches my posts, is always the first to comment–usually in a superior way as if she knows it all, and I’m a total idiot. I think the issue is her pride.

    Another is a professional writer friend who’s envious about the high-dollar publishing contract I got years ago and the following I had when I ran a popular writing group. Now she tries to emulate me and never congratulates me for my accomplishments.

    I keep these people in my life, because I hate to break old ties and/or for professional reasons. And I can’t very well get rid of the breeder, though I’d like to, as it’s necessary to communicate with her about my dog.

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    • BB, you say you can’t let these people go since you hate
      to break old ties and/or professional relationships. It’s possible
      that you are trusting all the wrong people and may have
      given too much information about your life to each of them.
      As for the breeder, there is no reason to share with her anything
      more than that which pertains to your dog. If she is commenting
      on Facebook you may need to delete her from your account.
      When she asks why, you need to tell her privately why you did
      this and you would prefer to keep your relationship on a professional
      level. If she won’t do this, search for someone else in that field
      and keep it professional and nothing more.
      The writer “friend” is not a true friend, obviously. A true friend would
      be glad for you and not envious of your success. The old friend
      who is constantly putting you down is a frenemy. That’s what
      they do. What will it take for you to stop the bleeding?
      One thing I’ve learned over the years is it’s better to feel you have
      no close friends for a while, than to keep going back to old friends
      that have discouraged you, been jealous of you or felt
      threatened by you sometimes for decades. If you will trust God
      He will bring true friends into your life that will encourage and
      affirm you….maybe even bring life-giving correction to you
      but always in the spirit of love. A true friend will hold you
      accountable but only out of true concern for you and not
      for less than honorable reasons. Who we hang out with is who
      we will become. Do you really want to be like the people you
      have been hanging out with for so long; those that by your own
      admission are not adding to your life in any significant way.
      If you read the book of Proverbs, you will see many scriptures
      that pertain to our relationships and who we hang out with.

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  70. I found this after googling for signs of a frenemy. wow this was on point. ive had several bad experiences with frenemies in the past and the one thing that has always been true is that there were red flags in the beginning.. all of which you mentioned. god gave us that instinct and gut feeling for a reason.. use it!

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  71. About 75% if all the friends Ive known have become frenemies. I have finally learnt at 37 years of age that whatever it is about my personality that rubs people up the wrong way, and makes them insecure enough to behave that way, I dont need their company, attention, approval or presence. Ive found that enjoying ones own company can be quite fulfilling and far less complicated than any attempts at forming friendships. I feel these days that society in general has become a bit more cold, harsh and has become closer to living by the dog eat dog way of life. When one doesnt need approval in a social setting, very close to no dissapointment, pain, rejection, or belittlement is experienced when one of these so called “friends” tries to undermine your self worth. Ive been told we are a gregarious species and thrive with company, but if no compatible company is about, I say one is not such a lonely number

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      • I have a great family who lives approx. 2hrs drive away who have been great so I guess Im not totally solitary and Ive learnt that family are the ones who Ill ever have the strongest bond with. Thanks for reading, I appreciate your reply, cheers

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        • You’re lucky to be able to trust your family. It took me 52 years to realize that my mother was a frenemy. No ambiguity here. She pulled the rug out from under me, belittled me, and sabotaged me too often.

          “No one will love you like your mother.”, she would lie. In fact, the opposite is true: No one will love you like your child. It took me decades to realize what she had been doing.

          The author of this article is absolutely right in saying, “I am convinced that frenemies are often unaware of their true motive, which may be fueled by feelings of jealousy, inferiority, or resentment. Even so, it is best to identify these destructive relationships and deal with them quickly.”.

          My mother lies to herself so much that I am sure she is unaware of her inability to relate sincerely to anyone. Reality is indeed more absurd than fiction.

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          • There sadly is no cure for some mental illnesses. Be the Bigger person and look at her like you would any sickly person in need of help and compassion. One day you will see how being the bigger person benefits.

    • I totally agree, I’m a 36 year old female and after many hurtful experiences with ‘frenemies’ i now prefer to be on my own, with my husband and kids of course. Ive felt that most people ive become friends with have turned out to be frenemies, I’ve started to question whether its just normal human behaviour and everyone is like it to an extent even myself without realising? or is it just that i attract these types of people? I am a very easy going and generous person which has led to what i feel people taking full advantage of this and kind of ‘bullying’ me! ive now got to the stage in my life where ive just had enough of people generally! i just want minimal contact with friends and associates as it is far easier this way. Its kind of a depressing and negative way to view other people but this is what my experiences have led to and i just cannot allow myself to be treated badly by people any longer 🙁

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      • I had a boyfriend who felt as strongly about me as i did about him and my frenemies were not happy for me but instead constanly put him or me down or drew my attention to negative untrue thoughts.
        my relationship is now over for nothing even though i was happy confident and secure about him when we first met.
        I agree wholeheartedly with zoe..if i had a husband it would be all about me and our relationship and family and only my real friends from when i lived interstate. i found that in my new town all i have met is frenemies..jealous of my appearance, nature and success with men. the boyfriend i had felt right and i hope to one day reconcile with him and do it right, or meet someone even better.

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  72. I had someone who was constantly pursuing a friendship with me even though something about this person seemed sneaky and sly. My nature is to be very generous right out the gate when I have a friend in need which may have been the reason for this person wanting to be my friend. Takers can spot givers. Against my better judgment I allowed this person into my inner circle and next thing you know he was in constant need (of help). His life was a total mess from bad decisions and poor choices.
    I should have ended the friendship when this person starting hanging out with another mutual friend that had began to wage a smear campaign against me, even though he was the first person to warn me that this other person was unstable, mentally off and messy but all of a sudden he was sided with this person and telling me he did not want to get involved when the person was waging a war on my good name. Later it turned out I was right and my so called friend never apologized for hanging around this person who was bad mouthing me.
    Next I began to notice when there was death in my family or I went through something on the job and confided in this so called friend and leech he jumped on the other side. For example if I was being mistreated by a family member at my fathers funeral this friend not only offered no support but would jump on the side of the person who was treating me bad. It took many years to see the pattern of betrayal because this person claimed to be a devout Christian I did not want to believe he was a fake. Later I found out he had been hiding a ten year affair with a married woman. Now I pray for discernment and guard my inner circle. Not everyone should be allowed in your space to defile it!.

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  73. What a great message…thanks for reminding me about the dangers of toxic relationships. It does take time to build quality relationships. As Christians, we know that our walk and relationship with the Lord didn’t happen immediately but over time. We have to develop some boundaries of course, and for me, that is “trust.” Once that trust issue has been compromised, then it’s time to reevaluate that relationship.

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    • Pamela, I’m sympathetic to your question and believe that all relationships are potential feeding grounds for frenemies be they with family, friends, coworkers, or random people in our communities.

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  76. Awesome post!

    Woops… don’t want to come off too strong as one of those “bestie” frenemies.

    I do believe God purposefully places those “frenemies” in our paths for a reason. They are instruments God uses to both refine and define us.

    What would King David’s life had been without all those adversaries that God placed along his life journey? Wouldn’t be much to talk about!

    ” I will call upon the Lord…. and so shall I be saved from my enemies”

    Thanks for the red flags of frenemies.

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    • Good point. I think you’re right. God does place difficult people in our lives to make us better.

      Yet we shouldn’t confuse this with our choice(s) to remain close to those who are doing harm to our spirit – people who seek our friendship with ulterior motives.

      Make sense?

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      • the question is do you forgive and forget or just move on.
        id say move on and find better people to associate with
        look at their life..are they happy and successful? and then befriend them!! dont pick people because they are available..pick them because you trust and admire them and they are happy and have full lives. busy people have no time to worry about being a frenemie because they are too busy living life and dont really care what you do.either way.if you are successful they just want to bring you in to their circle and show you off. and if you are down they want to help you and pick you up because they do it for themselves.
        if people are miserable they just want to bring you down. some people also have ulterior motives when they befriend you ..ie to use you or take from you….they are selfish , cruel and plain dumb.
        women that are like that i would consider them witchlike and not worthy of a centimetre of your time. if they make you angry or sad stay away and you are better off looking in the mirror at your gorgeous new dress or cuddling up with your sweetheart or hugging a gorgeous innocent child then associating with these lowlifes..

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    • God is in the business of blessing not cursing. God doesn’t put adversaries in our path – it is the enemy (Satan) that does this. The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. However, God does deliver us from our enemies and can turn everything out for our good – which includes character development. Pray for God to bring the people into your life that He wants in your life and for Him to move the others out of your life.

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  77. Put on the Armor of Christ, pray for them and move on!
    New American Standard Bible (©1995)”Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil.” (Ephesians 6:11)

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    • Hello all. My husband and I have been friends with another couple for over 10 years. Did everything together.
      Finally waking up I realize after all these years if my opinion is not the same as the guy(in the couple) he gets upset and ugly. He also drinks heavey and has a ginormous ego and has lots of buddies. His wife, my friend, has for the past year ignored me in a group of our common friends. However she continues to invite us on social outings. I don’t understand why she invites me to ignore/shun me in front of others. She rarely shares any emotional thoughts or feelings. My husband does not notice the shunning and I don’t think others do either.. she is very closed about what they have been doing socially, never comments or compliments about anything noticeably different in my life, does not share credit when it is equally due. She loves to party and drink too….I am tired of the drinking. Getting back to her husband…..I to.erate hi m but we don’t talk much. Is she punishing me because of my relationship with her husband? My husband tells me “you can’t argur with an a—hole”. So is she a frenemy to me? They have also come into loads of money and are surrounding themselves with people of similar financial circumstance…we are not in that league. Lots of complications. She is being so mean and I guess I will have to confront her although I suspect she will deny everything

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  78. Everything here is true. It’s hard to see the real reason these individuals quickly befriend you. Thanks for the understanding, Michael, I am putting this to use immediately!

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  79. After reading this, I was convicted of being a Frenemy of God:

    I want God’s instant attention and give him quick attention when I want something.
    I overshare with God.
    I criticize God’s ways and complain “gently” to God.
    I give compliments to God, merely to wonder why He is not doing more for me.
    I keep digging in God’s word, trying to find something.
    I think God has a feeling that I nag Him though and an untrustworthy servant.
    While I profess to serve the Lord, the reality is that too often my own efforts in the flesh undercut the Lord’s work.

    I am thankful that Jesus died for aweful sinners like me.

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  81. I think the truly painful part of reading this article was realizing how, in some ways, I was a frenemy to others due to my own immaturity (spiritual and otherwise) and a sense of inferiority. Ouch! I certainly know now what to look for in other people…and what to watch for in myself that don’t belong in my friendships!

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    • Same here. I would even admit to having been only a frenemy–to not knowing how to be a true friend. Amazingly. a handful of people I have known throughout the years have been so stellar in accepting me as I am (!!!) that I am beginning to learn what it means to be human, to be a friend. Who knew that that would become a major goal of mine? I used to think I wanted a fancy job and a posh house.

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  82. I was absolutely STUNNED the first time this happened to me and deeply hurt. Someone else (a REAL friend) had to point it out.  Love from a distance with these type of people and pray that God quickly reveals their agenda. Also I found it important to always answer a question with a question when dealing with a frenemy. They soon tire of not getting the information they want! 

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  84. I have had this happen three different times since I have moved to the city I live.  In each case, I was particularly drawn to the person.  We seemed so alike, instant bff’s.  Soon into the relationship I noticed many of the things you mentioned, and then when I pulled back or couldn’t deliver, I was dropped like a hot potato.  I saw one of the women a month ago after several years of distance.  I took her card and was thinking about calling her up and getting together again.  She held the same charisma for me.  I took a few days to think it over and ultimately decided to throw the card away.  The relationship had hurt me the first time, and there was no reason to think this would be different.  Like you said, frenemies can be unaware of their true motive, and therefore, unlikely to change.  Great post!  

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