In our interactions with others, we begin every relationship by making a split-second choice between to trust them and and not to them – 100% of the time. There has never been exception!
We either trust a person or we don’t – it’s that simple. Then – every subsequent action (that they do to us or we do to them) is directly related to that one decision.
Our behavior will clearly demonstrate either our trust or mistrust.
So what are some simple ways to evaluate if we’ve made the decision to trust or mistrust?
If you trust, you will…
1. Care about each other. If you are going to effectively influence people, you must care for them, and they must know that you care.
2. Confront conflict together. Avoid the temptation to dance around the issue – deal with it directly. Most of us are reluctant to confront because we are afraid of how the other person may respond or that we may hurt their feelings.
More often than not, our reluctance simply causes additional conflict – small disagreements become big disagreements.
Since small issues are always easier to deal with than big issues, be firm but gentle. Work toward a solution. Use the conflict to make the relationship, the team, and the organization better.
3. Cooperate to solve problems. In every life situation involving people – family, friends or co-workers – there is potential for conflict. So learning to successfully handle conflict should be a priority, especially for those who desire to lead teams and organizations.
Then, when the conflict is resolved, grant forgiveness readily. There’s no reason to hold a grudge or seek revenge.
Healthy people and healthy teams handle conflict and allow it to make them stronger.
If you’re in mistrust mode…
You’ll find yourself operating from a win-lose perspective. You will assess every situation wondering if you are winning or if you are losing.
When we choose to view a particular individual through the lens of mistrust rather than trust, usually everyone around knows it. They see it in our communication, in our actions, in our decisions.
Nothing productive ever comes out of mistrust mode.
It takes time
Let’s face it – sooner or later someone will abuse your confidence in others.
And, while we feel perfectly justified not trusting those who we’ve labeled untrustworthy, we want others to trust us – right away.
Unfortunately, that’s just not reality. Trust must often be earned over time.
Mike Myatt wrote: What is rightfully earned and freely given will always outlast what is imprudently acquired for the wrong reasons. Great leaders patiently foster trust, respect, and loyalty rather than by expecting it or worse, demanding it.
Question: What would you add – to either the trust list or the distrust list? How would you evaluate them? Take just a moment to leave your ideas in the comments.
It seems to me that when you first meet someone there is an initial amount of mutual trust that must be exhibited for that relationship to grow. However, I think it’s important to understand that deep rooted trust can only be built through time and experiences in a relationship. I don’t expect people to place their full confidence in me when they have only just met me, however, they should at least give me the benefit of the doubt as I would do the same for them.
I would add that there are times when I would be extremely cautious. For instance I would not trust a guy I just met while having a beer at the bar to watch my kids for a week while I’m out of town. I also would not trust someone who sends me an e-mail out of the blue claiming that they have a unique opportunity through which I could earn millions of $ by simply “trusting” them with my financial details.
Good examples, Caleb. I think you’re right. Maybe I could have added more detail – tough to do in a short post. The point is that we do (and should) make the decision to trust (or distrust). AND we should understand and be ready to accept the consequences if that decision. Additionally, we shouldn’t allow extremes to shape out approach to the who matter most – family, friends, colleagues.
Right on!
I don’t think you can underestimate #1 – you have to genuinely care about others to lead them well. I do think you can care about someone and not trust them – but it doesn’t work as well the other way around. I generally trust others until they give me a reason to – and then it is tough to earn that back – and that is how I treat my team.
Good points, Tom. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience!
I love this post on trust. Studies have shown we make judgments in a blink of the eye. (In fact, read Blink by Malcolm Gladwell). Many times are initial gut reaction is the right one, but I guess it does take time and objectivity to really evaluate someone. I’ve been told I trust too easily, but I really try to start with a positive expectation. I give the person the benefit of the doubt. If that person proves me wrong, then I reevaluate.
Although I’m naturally skeptical (I prefer, discerning 😉 ), I’ve found that I readily trust and believe in the intrinsic ability of others. While that trust is occasionally betrayed, I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt. Thanks for your thoughtful comment. I appreciate you.
Blink is on my reading list – thanks for the nudge to pick it back up!
In mistrust mode we also hold our best back. We’re reserved and unwilling to share. Mis-communications happen more easily.
Another good one, Joe – we hold back. I tend to avoid spending significant time with those I don’t trust.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Good question, David. I’ve worked with a number of people who have betrayed trust – to be fair, I’ve also been that guy. I wrote a post a few months ago – How to Deal with Someone Who Abuses Your Trust. You can find it here – http://www.michaelnichols.org/how-to-deal-with-someone-who-abuses-your-trust.
Another downside for the “Mistrust” side is that we often do not invest the time to see if our initial evaluation was right or wrong.
One evaluation point that hits me for personal life is how hard it seems the other person is pushing me to trust them. I guess prior experience has shown that those willing to float and be trusted more in time are more trustworthy than those who demand instant credibility. The main takeaway of that has been to be patient in expecting people’s trust.
I’m learning the same thing, Doug. Good point!